4

Such then is the wound I have deep in my heart. There is an ancient saying, that when a bitter serpent 988 sinks its tooth into an evil-doing man, a deadly wound, he is willing to speak of this only to those on whom a grievous snake has wiped a similar poison with its fiery venom; For such a one alone understands the evil pain, So I too will tell my suffering to those for whom there is a common desire, a common evil, a similar pain. For they alone would kindly receive my word, and would best know the mysteries of a lamenting heart, they who, yearning for the cross, lift its burden on their shoulders, and having their portion within the courts of the great King, love a smooth path, and pity the fallen. But to the others I would be a laughing-stock speaking of my sorrows, whose light faith has only scratched the surface of the heart, 989 nor has the sharp longing for the Lord passed through their inward parts; but they live here only, thinking ephemeral thoughts. But let them perish, since against all alike they arm their tongue, a most ready dart, against others, both good and bad. But I will not cease from my lament, until I have fled grievous wickedness, and have put a bolt upon the mind's raging passions, for which bitter Satan has now opened wide all the gates, which were previously barred, when the hand of God protected me, nor had wickedness a pretext nearby, which quickly takes hold, as the might of fire on nearby straw, until a torch is raised into the air by the wind. How I wish that before these things I had hidden my body in cliffs, and mountains, and rocks; truly then for this whole life, having fled the cares of life and of the flesh, 990 I would have carried Christ whole in my mind, alone from other inhabitants, raising a pure mind to God alone; until with light hopes I also reached the end. I wish it were so; but longing for my dear parents held me back, dragging me, like a weight to the earth; not so much longing as pity, which rends both marrow and all inner parts, pity which is the gentlest of all the passions, pity for her grey hair, godlike, pity for her grief, pity for her childlessness, and pity also for her son, for whom they tremble, always having a sweet toil, the eye of their life, and grieving at his pains. O books, my former care, which the Spirit inscribed with holy tongues, and within the good letter 991 the flashing grace of the Spirit, and a hidden benefit appearing only to pure mortals; And dear prayers and groans, and sleepless nights, And angelic choirs, who stir God with psalms, standing, and sending their souls to God in hymns, uttering a common voice from many mouths; And toil against the evil-originating belly, and measure in laughter, and stillness of tongue and eye, and a bridle for raging anger. And Reason bound the wanderer glancing in all directions, and turned the mind to Christ with heavenly hopes. And Reason was over all things, leading the image to the Lord. And God was delighted with the impulse. 992 And instead of possessions and grievous dins, which stir me even in evil dreams by night (for the phantoms of the night are like the cares of the day), there was in my eyes the radiance of God, and the all-shining chorus and glory of pious souls. But now all the treasures of my soul have been utterly lost, which before kept company with all the best things, and only desire remained within, and unhoped-for pain. For this reason I cry out. But for tomorrow I do not know for sure, if God will lead me back again to my former ways, having freed me from my sorrows, and shaken off all burdens, or if he will drive me from here beforehand in the midst of my pains, before I see a clear sky, before I put remedies on my wounds, 993 ill-fated, longing for the light after the final night, then who could give vain help to those who are lamenting. There is the remedy for mortals, and the final bonds of all. Already my head is grey, and my shrunken limbs have turned toward the evening of a painful life. But not yet have I endured such and so great a pain; not even when, equipped with raging winds, from the land of Pharos to Achaia, I cut across the sea at the rising of Taurus, which sailors dread the most in winter, and few have loosed their cables. There for twenty full nights and days I lay in the ship's stern, calling upon God who rules on high with prayers. And the wave foamed against the ship, 994 like mountains or reefs, on this side and that, much

4

τοιόνδ' ἄρ' ἔχω κατακάρδιον ἔλκος. Ἀρχαίη φάτις ἐστὶν, ὅτ' ἐγχρίμψῃσιν ὀδόντα 988 Πικρὸς ἔχις κακοεργὸν ἐπ' ἀνέρι, λοίγιον ἕλκος Μούνοις τόνδ' ἐθέλειν ἀγορευέμεν, οἷσιν ὁμοῖον Λυγρὸς ἔχις πυρόεντι χόλῳ ἐνομόρξατο λοιγόν· Τὸν γὰρ δὴ καὶ μοῦνον ἐπίστασθαι κακὸν ἄλγος, Ὣς καὶ ἐγὼ κείνοισιν ἐμὸν πόνον ἐξαγορεύσω, Οἷσιν ξυνὸς ἔρως, ξυνὸν κακὸν, ἄλγος ὁμοῖον. Μοῦνοι γάρ κεν ἐμοῖο φίλως δεξαίατο μῦθον, Καὶ γοερῆς κραδίης μυστήρια γνοῖεν ἄριστα, Οἳ σταυροῦ ποθέοντες ἐπωμαδὸν ἄχθος ἀείρειν, Καὶ μεγάλου Βασιλῆος ἐν ἕρκεσι μοῖραν ἔχοντες, Εὐοδίην στέργουσι, καὶ οἰκτείρουσι πεσόντας, Τοῖς δ' ἄλλοις κεν ἔοιμι γέλως ἐμὰ κήδεα βάζων, Ὧν πίστις κραδίην ἄκρην ἐχάραξεν ἐλαφρὴ, 989 Οὐδὲ διὰ σπλάγχνων ἧλθ' ἵμερος ὀξὺς Ἄνακτος· Ζῶσι δ' ἐνθάδε μοῦνον ἐφημέρια φρονέοντες. Ἀλλ' οἱ μὲν φθινύθοιεν, ἐπεὶ πάντεσσιν ὁμοίως Γλῶσσαν ἐφοπλίζουσιν, ἑτοιμότατον βέλος, ἄλλοις Ἐσθλοῖς, ἠδὲ κακοῖσιν. Ἐγώ γε μὲν οὔτι γόοιο Λήξω, πρὶν στονόεσσαν ὑπεκφυγέειν κακότητα, Καὶ μάργοις παθέεσσι νόου κληῖδ' ἐπιθεῖναι, Οἷς νῦν πάντα θύρετρα πικρὸς Σατὰν ἐξεπέτασσε, Πρόσθεν ἐεργομένοισιν, ὅτ' ἔσκεπε χείρ με Θεοῖο, Οὐδ' εἶχεν κακίη πρόφασιν πέλας, ἥ ῥα τάχιστα Ἅπτεται, ὡς καλάμης γε πυρὸς μένος ἐγγὺς ἐούσης, Ἄχρι καὶ ἐξ ἀνέμοιο πρὸς ἠέρα πυρσὸς ἀερθῇ. Ὡς ὄφελον κρημνοῖσι, καὶ οὔρεσι, καὶ σκοπέλοισι Κρῦψαι τῶνδε πάροιθεν ἐμὸν δέμας· ἦ κεν ἅπαντα Τόνδε βίον, βιότου τε φυγὼν σαρκός τε μερίμνας, 990 Χριστὸν ὅλον φορέεσκον ἐνὶ φρεσὶν, οἶος ἀπ' ἄλλων Ναιετάων, οἴῳ τε Θεῷ νόον ἁγνὸν ἀείρων· Μέσφ' ὅτε καὶ κούφῃσι σὺν ἐλπίσι τέκμαρ ἐπέσπον. Ὤφελον· ἀλλὰ πόθος με φίλων κατέρυκε τοκήων, Ἕλκων, οἷα τάλαντον ἐπὶ χθόνα· οὔτι πόθος γε Τόσσον, ὅσον μυελόν τε καὶ ἔγκατα πάντα δαΐζων Οἶκτος, ὅτις παθέων ἀγανώτατός ἐστιν ἁπάντων, Οἶκτος μὲν πολιῆς θεοειδέος, οἶκτος ἀνίης, Οἶκτος ἀπαιδίης, οἶκτος δέ τε καὶ περὶ παιδὸς, Ὧῥα περιτρομέουσι, γλυκὺν πόνον αἰὲν ἔχοντες, Ὀφθαλμὸν βιότοιο, καὶ ἄλγεσιν ἀσχαλόωντα. Ὧ βίβλοι τοπάροιθε μέλον, τὰς Πνεῦμ' ἐχάραξεν Εὐαγέων γλώσσῃσι, καὶ ἔνδοθι γράμματος ἐσθλοῦ 991 Πνεύματος ἀστράπτουσα χάρις, καὶ κρυπτὸν ὄνειαρ Οἴοισιν καθαροῖσι φαεινόμενον μερόπεσσιν· Εὐχαί τε στοναχαί τε φίλαι, καὶ νύκτες ἄϋπνοι, Ἀγγελικοί τε χοροὶ, ψαλμοῖς Θεὸν οἵ γ' ἐρέθουσιν, Ἱστάμενοι, ψυχάς τε Θεῷ πέμποντες ἐν ὕμνοις, Πολλῶν ἐκ στομάτων ξυνὴν ὄπα γηρύοντες· Γαστρός τ' ἀρχεκάκοιο μόγος, καὶ μέτρα γέλωτος, Γλώσσης τ' ἀτρεμίη τε καὶ ὄμματος, ἠδὲ χόλοιο Μαινομένοιο χαλινά. Λόγος δ' ἔσφιγγεν ἀλήτην Πάντοσε παπταίνοντα, νόον γ' ἐπὶ δ' ἔστρεφε Χριστῷ Ἐλπίσιν οὐρανίῃσι. Λόγος δ' ἐπὶ πᾶσιν ἔκειτο Εἰκόν' ἄγων πρὸς Ἄνακτα. Θεὸς δ' ἐπιτέρπετ' ἐρωῇ. 992 Ἀντὶ δέ μοι κτεάνων τε καὶ ἀργαλέων ὀρυμαγδῶν, Οἵ με καὶ ἐννυχίοισι κακοῖς ἐρέθουσιν ὀνείροις (Φροντίσιν ἠματίαις γὰρ ὁμοίϊα φάσματα νυκτὸς), Ἦεν ἐν ὀφθαλμοῖσι Θεοῦ σέλας, εὐσεβέων τε Ψυχῶν παμφανόωσα χοροστασίη τε κλέος τε. Νῦν δὲ δὴ ἐξαπόλωλε κειμήλια πάντ' ἀπ' ἐμοῖο Ψυχῆς, ἣ τοπάροιθεν ὁμίλεε πᾶσιν ἀρίστοις, Οἶος δ' ἐντὸς ἔμεινε πόθος, καὶ ἄλγος ἄελπτον. Τοὔνεκεν αἰάζω. Τὸ δ' ἐσαύριον οὐ σάφα οἶδα, Εἴ με Θεὸς παλίνορσον ἐς ἤθεα τὰ πρὶν ἀνάξει Λύσας ἐξ ἀχέων, ἀπὸ δ' ἄχθεα πάντα τινάξας, Ἠὲ πάρος μεσάτοισιν ἐν ἄλγεσιν ἔνθεν ἐλάσσει, Πρίν κ' αἴθρην ἰδέειν, πρίν χ' ἕλκεσι φάρμακα θεῖναι, 993 ∆ύσμορον ἱμείροντα φάους πυμάτην μετὰ νύκτα, Τῆμος ὀδυρομένοισιν ἐτώσια τίς κεν ἀμῦναι. Ἔνθα δ' ἄκος μερόπεσσι, τὰ δ' ὕστατα δέσμια πάντα. Ἤδη μοι πολιόν τε κάρη, καὶ ἅψεα ῥικνὰ Ἐκλίνθη βιότοιο πρὸς ἕσπερον ἀλγινόεντος. Ἀλλ' οὔπω τοιόνδε τοσόνδε τε ἄλγος ἀνέτλην· Οὐδ' ὅτε μαινομένοισι κορυσσόμενον ἀνέμοισι Γαίης ἐκ Φαρίης ἐπ' Ἀχαιΐδα, πόντον ἔτετμον Ἀντολίῃ Ταύροιο, τὸν ἐῤῥίγασι μάλιστα Ναῦται, χειμερίου, παῦροι δέ τε πείσματ' ἔλυσαν. Ἔνθα δ' ἐγὼ νύκτας τε καὶ ἤματα εἴκοσι πάντα Νηὸς ἐνὶ πρύμνῃ κείμην, Θεὸν ὑψιμέδοντα Κικλήσκων λιτῇσι. Τὸ δ' ἄφρεε κῦμ' ἐπὶ νῆα 994 Οὔρεσιν ἢ σκοπέλοισιν ὁμοίϊον ἔνθα καὶ ἔνθα, Πολλὸν