4

But now there was need for manly counsels. I set up within a tribunal of friends, my own thoughts, genuine counsellors. A terrible whirlwind seized my mind, as I was seeking the better course among the better options. To cast the things of the flesh into the depths had long been decided, and then it pleased me more. But as I was considering the divine paths themselves, it was not at all easy to find the better one. For one thing seemed good or bad for one reason, another for another, as is often the case in matters of practice. Such was my state, to compare it with something: like one contemplating a long journey from home, I fled the voyage and the toils of the sea, and was searching for a more manageable road.

I took into account Elijah the Thesbite and great Carmel or his strange food, the Forerunner's possession, the desert, and the unfurnished life of the sons of Jonadab; and again a desire for the divine books held me, and the light of the Spirit in the contemplation of the Word, a thing that is not the work of the desert or of stillness— until, having often swayed toward both, I finally reconciled my desires in this way and moderately checked the wandering of my mind. For seeing that those whom the active life delights, while being useful to others in the community, are useless to themselves and tossed about by evils, from which their smooth character is agitated, while those who are withdrawn are somehow more stable and look to God with a quiet mind, but are useful only to themselves in a narrow love and live a strange and harsh life, I came to a middle way between the solitary and the social, taking from the one their contemplation and from the other their usefulness. But there was also a greater thing, the claim of my honored parents, I mean those who begot me, to whom I was indebted. Their old age (for it is most pious to give to parents the first honor after God, from whom comes even the knowledge of God) I cherished, I supported with all my strength, I guided by the hand, so as to make old age favorable to myself, by propitiating old age. For we reap what we also sow. This was for me a part of philosophical training: not to seem to live the best life, but to be rather than to seem a friend to God. Therefore I thought I should love also men of action, as many as have received from God some honor, leading the people with inspired rites. But a greater longing for the monastic life possessed me, although I seemed to be enrolled with the majority; for solitude is a matter of habits, not of bodies. The sanctuary was venerable to me, but as I stood far off, like the light of the sun to weak eyes. I would have hoped for anything more than to accept this in the many turnings of life. Say nothing great, in short, being a man. Envy always cuts down pride. Take nothing from outside, but consider my affairs.

While I was of this mind, a terrible turmoil fell upon me. For my father, although knowing my mind most accurately, I know not from whence, but perhaps moved by a father's love (and love combined with authority is a terrible thing), so that he might hold me with the bonds of the spirit and honor what he had with better things, forcibly bent me to the second rank of thrones. So I was grieved by this tyranny—for I am not yet able to call it otherwise, and may the divine Spirit forgive me for feeling thus—so that, freed at once from all—friends, parents, country, family—like cattle stung by a gadfly, I came to Pontus to find for myself a remedy for my sorrow in that inspired one among my friends. For there he was practicing communion with God, veiled in a cloud like one of the ancient sages. This was Basil, who is now among the angels. With him I soothed the grief of my heart.

But since my good father, worn out by both old age and longing, begged his son many times to grant this honor to his last breaths, and time brought the misfortune upon me, as it never should have, again I run into the deep, fearing the groan of my father's emotions, lest his love should turn into a curse for me; such a thing is simplicity enraged.

A short interval, and again a triple wave, one cannot say how much wilder. And it is no worse to make all known to friends. My brother held a certain worldly office—my brother, O most wicked one, how powerful you are—and it was a position of trust over treasuries. In the midst of his office he dies, and a pack of dogs rises up against the deceased's money and remains. Servants tore everything apart,

4

Ἔδει δὲ λοιπὸν ἀνδρικῶν βουλευμάτων. ἔνδον καθίζω τῶν φίλων κριτήριον, ἐμῶν λογισμῶν γνησίων παραινετῶν. στρόμβος κατεῖχε τὴν ἐμὴν δεινὸς φρένα τὸ κρεῖσσον ἐκζητοῦντος ἐν τοῖς κρείσσοσι. τὸ μὲν τὰ σαρκὸς εἰς βυθοὺς ῥῖψαι πάλαι δεδογμένον τ' ἦν καὶ τότ' ἤρεσκεν πλέον. αὐτῶν δέ μοι σκοποῦντι τῶν θείων ὁδῶν οὐ ῥᾷστον εὑρεῖν τὴν ἀμείνω καὶ λίαν. ἄλλων γὰρ εἵνεκ' ἄλλο καλὸν ἢ κακόν ἐφαίνεθ' ὥσπερ πολλαχοῦ τῶν πρακτέων. τοιοῦτο τοὐμόν, ὥς τινι προσεικάσαι, μακράν τιν' οἷον ἐννοῶν ἐκδημίαν πλοῦν μὲν πεφεύγειν καὶ πόνους θαλασσίους, ὁδὸν δ' ἀνίχνευον, ἥτις εὐπορωτέρα. Ἠλίαν εἶχον ἐν λόγῳ τὸν Θεσπίτην καὶ τὸν μέγαν Κάρμηλον ἢ ξένην τροφήν, τοῦ Προδρόμου τὸ κτῆμα, τὴν ἐρημίαν, παίδων Ἰωναδάβ τε ἄσκευον βίον· θείων τε βίβλων αὖθις ἐκράτει πόθος καὶ πνεύματος φῶς ἐν λόγου θεωρίᾳ, πρᾶγμ' οὐκ ἐρήμης ἔργον οὐδ' ἡσυχίας- ἕως ἐπ' ἄμφω πολλάκις μετακλιθείς τέλος διαιτῶ τοῖς πόθοις τοῦτον τρόπον καὶ τὴν πλάνην ἔστησα τοῦ νοῦ μετρίως. ὁρῶν γάρ, οὓς μὲν πρακτικὸς τέρπει βίος, ἄλλοις μὲν ὄντας χρησίμους τῶν ἐν μέσῳ, αὑτοῖς δ' ἀχρήστους καὶ κακοῖς στροβουμένους, ἐξ ὧν τὸ λεῖον ἦθος ἐκκυμαίνεται, τοὺς δ' ἐκτὸς ὄντας εὐσταθεῖς μέν πως πλέον καὶ πρὸς θεὸν βλέποντας ἡσύχῳ νοΐ, αὑτοῖς μόνοις δὲ χρησίμους φίλτρῳ στενῷ καὶ ζῶντας ἔξαλλόν τε καὶ τραχὺν βίον, μέσην τιν' ἦλθον ἐρημικῶν καὶ μιγάδων, τῶν μὲν τὸ σύννουν, τῶν δὲ τὸ χρηστὸν φέρων. Προσῆν δὲ μεῖζον καὶ χάρις τῶν τιμίων, λέγω δὲ τοὺς φύσαντας, οἷς ὑπόχρεως. τούτων τὸ γῆρας (καὶ γὰρ εὐσεβέστατον γονεῦσι πρώτην ἐκ θεοῦ τιμὴν νέμειν, ἐξ ὧν ὑπάρχει καὶ τὸ γινώσκειν θεόν) ἔθαλπον, ἐστήριζον ἐκ παντὸς σθένους, ἐχειραγώγουν, ὡς ἐμαυτῷ δεξιόν θεῖναι τὸ γῆρας, γῆρας ἱλεούμενος. θερίζομεν γάρ, οἷά περ καὶ σπείρομεν. Τοῦτ' ἦν μέρος μοι φιλοσόφου παιδεύσεως· τὸ μὴ δοκεῖν τὸν πρῶτον ἐκπονεῖν βίον, εἶναι δὲ μᾶλλον ἢ δοκεῖν θεῷ φίλον. στέργειν μὲν οὖν δεῖν ᾠόμην καὶ πρακτικούς, ὅσοι λελόγχασ' ἐκ θεοῦ τιμήν τινα λαοὺς ἄγοντες ἐνθέοις τελέσμασιν. πλείων δέ μ' εἶχε τῶν μοναστικῶν πόθος, καίπερ δοκοῦντα συντετάχθαι πλείοσιν· τρόπων γὰρ εἶναι τὴν μονήν, οὐ σωμάτων. τὸ βῆμα δ' ἦν μοι σεπτόν, ἀλλ' ἑστηκότι πόρρωθεν, ὡς φῶς ἡλίου τῶν ὄψεων ταῖς ἀσθενούσαις. πάντ' ἂν ἤλπισα πλέον ἢ τοῦτο δέξασθ' ἐν πολλαῖς στροφαῖς βίου. μηδὲν μέγ' εἴπῃς, συντόμως, ἄνθρωπος ὤν. ἀεὶ κολούει τὰς ἐπάρσεις ὁ φθόνος. μηδὲν λάβῃς ἔξωθεν, τἀμὰ δὲ σκόπει. Οὕτω φρονοῦντι δεινὸς ἐμπίπτει κλόνος. ὁ γὰρ πατήρ με, καίπερ ἀκριβέστατα γνώμην γινώσκων τὴν ἐμήν, οὐκ οἶδ' ὅθεν, ἴσως δὲ φίλτρῳ πατρικῷ κινούμενος (δεινὸν δὲ φίλτρον ἐστὶ σὺν ἐξουσίᾳ), ὡς ἂν κατάσχοι ταῖς πέδαις τοῦ πνεύματος ὧν τ' εἶχε τιμήσειε τοῖς ἀμείνοσιν, κάμπτει βιαίως εἰς θρόνων τοὺς δευτέρους. οὕτω μὲν οὖν ἤλγησα τῇ τυραννίδι -οὔπω γὰρ ἄλλως τοῦτ' ὀνομάζειν ἰσχύω, καί μοι τὸ θεῖον πνεῦμα συγγιγνωσκέτω οὕτως ἔχοντι-, ὥστε πάντων ἀθρόως, φίλων, φυσάντων, πατρίδος, γένους λυθείς, ὡς οἱ μύωπι τῶν βοῶν πεπληγότες, εἰς Πόντον ἦλθον τῆς ἀνίας φάρμακον θήσων ἐμαυτῷ τῶν φίλων τὸν ἔνθεον. ἐκεῖ γὰρ ἤσκει τὴν θεοῦ συνουσίαν, νέφει καλυφθεὶς ὡς σοφῶν τις τῶν πάλαι· Βασίλειος οὗτος ἦν, ὃς ἐν ἀγγέλοις τὰ νῦν. τούτῳ τὸ λυποῦν ἐξεμάλθασσον φρενός. Ἐπεὶ δ' ὁ μὲν γήρᾳ τε κάμνων καὶ πόθῳ ἐδεῖτο πολλὰ παιδὸς ὁ χρηστὸς πατήρ τιμὴν παρασχεῖν ταῖς τελευταίαις πνοαῖς, ἐμοὶ δ' ἔπεσσεν ὁ χρόνος τὴν συμφοράν, ὡς μήποτ' ἐχρῆν, αὖθις εἰς βυθὸν τρέχω δείσας στεναγμὸν πατρικῶν κινημάτων, μή μοι τὸ φίλτρον εἰς κατάραν ἐκπέσῃ· τοιοῦτόν ἐστιν ἁπλότης ὠργισμένη. Μικρὸν μέσον τι, καὶ πάλιν τρικυμία, οὐκ ἔστιν εἰπεῖν ὅσσον ἀγριωτέρα. οὐδὲν δὲ χεῖρον πάντα γνωρίσαι φίλοις. ἀρχήν τιν' ἔπραττ' οὑμὸς ἀδελφὸς κοσμικήν -ἀδελφὸς οὑμός, ὦ κάκισθ', ὅσον σθένεις- ἡ δ' ἦν ταμείων πίστις. ἐν δ' ἀρχῇ μέσῃ θνῄσκει, κυνῶν δὲ πλῆθος ἐξανίσταται τοῖς τοῦ θανόντος χρήμασιν καὶ λειψάνοις. πάντ' ἐσπάρασσον οἰκέται,