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When you stayed awake with me in the middle of the night as I read, sleeping on the same couch and breathing into me "strength" "and courage" more than Athena did for Diomedes, and I did not fail to notice this either, when I often took up the same argument, either to make it stick in my mind or hunting for anything in it that was hard to catch. And you, as if I were struggling in a wrestling match, and you inferred this from the repetition of the verse, you stood by as if you were my shield-bearer, raising your hands to God and "with your fist" with your hand "beating" your breast—this was indeed your way in prayers—and drawing down for me from above the resolution of the doubtful point. All children, then, owe something to their parents, or rather everything, because from them they have their being; but they owe only what is due by nature. But my debt to my mother is twofold, because she both gave me substance and "dazzled me with the beauty" of words, not by commanding my teachers to do this, but by suggesting and sowing the seeds herself; but the debt is necessary, yet not at all exacted, not because the one from whom it is collected is ungrateful, but because he does not have to give what the collector has desired. And it befalls my mother alone, who has given many opportunities for praise, to receive none; for she did not "cut paths" through a plain, nor do we approach her "through smoothness," but all the ways are untrodden and mountainous and above the clouds. And I know that you have no need of words from below, possessing the silence from above, "the mystical and ineffable," but for us the matter is dire, if having received the word from you we should contribute nothing from it for your praise, like a shallow "land" and "unplowable," contributing nothing to the farmer for the "sowing of seeds"; yet our case is different; for we have not so much destroyed the sowing, but have given back the ear of corn. But the food is not at all suitable for you, who delights in divine delicacy, of which, even while living, you provided as much as was fitting and nourishing for the soul and powerfully strengthened it for the more perfect desire. 11. For my mother, having fully used the law, was bound to "flesh and blood"; and I call law that which came after the fall from the first good. But the general principle of the soul, and what part of it is unmixed with the body, and what is mixed, and what is its flow or inclination towards things here, and what is its ascent and rising up, and from where and how it flies away, and where it goes and where it ends, and what is its lot after these things and who are they who disinherit, and what is given and what is stored up, these things and the others, philosophizing together with the divine scriptures, like the thirstiest of deer, she rushed irrepressibly "to the springs" of such streams. And she wished indeed "to be rent from the world" and to draw near to God, but she did not know what she could do, as her husband was still alive and he considered being separated from her equal to falling away from God himself. At any rate, she was tossed about in her thoughts on this matter, turning over and pondering many reflections, if she might find from some source a grasp of the beloved. And she wished, like two equal parts of a road, that both should run the same race and come to the same end, and her prayer by day and by night, and for the most part secret and hidden, was to finish in the "monastic life" and pursue the passionless life; for she had long loved the "haircloth rag" and the hermit's girdle, and this of all things was what she practiced and philosophized upon: "to shear her hair to the skin" and to roughen her body and to make her knee like stone with calluses and to harden her fingers and to live purely for the pure God. Wherefore, also failing in her purpose with those who lived thus, men and women alike, from the men she kept her distance, but with the women she went and slept on the same hide, resting her head on the same stone; for she disliked every "soft bed" and

10

ὁπηνίκα μοι μέσων νυκτῶν συνηγρύπνεις ἀναγινώσκοντι ἐπὶ τῆς αὐτῆς κλίνης καθεύδουσα καὶ «μένος» μοι «καὶ θάρσος» ἐμπνέουσα μᾶλλον ἢ τῷ ∆ιομήδει ἡ Ἀθηνᾶ, καὶ οὐδὲ τοῦτο ἠγνόησα, ὁπηνίκα ἐγὼ μὲν τὸν αὐτὸν πολλάκις ἀνελάμβανον λόγον ἢ ἔμμονον ποιῶν τῇ ψυχῇ ἢ θηρώμενος εἴ τι τούτου δυσθήρατον. σὺ δὲ ὡς ἀγωνιῶντι περὶ τὸ πάλαισμα, ἐτεκμαίρου δὲ τῇ ἀναδιπλώσει τοῦ ἔπους, συμπαρίστασο καθαπερεὶ καὶ συνήσπιζες, τὼ χεῖρε πρὸς Θεὸν αἴρουσα καὶ «πὺξ» τῇ χειρὶ τὸ στῆθος «πατάσσουσα»-τοῦτο δὴ τὸ σὸν ἐν ταῖς προσευχαῖς-καὶ ἄνωθέν μοι τὴν τοῦ ἀμφιβόλου ἐπισπωμένη διάγνωσιν. Πᾶσι μὲν οὖν παισὶν ἐπώφληταί τι πρὸς τοὺς τεκόντας, μᾶλλον δὲ τὸ πᾶν, ὅτι ἐκεῖθεν τούτοις τὸ εἶναι· ἀλλ' ἐπώφληται τὸ παρὰ τῆς φύσεως μόνον. ἐμοὶ δὲ διττὴ πρὸς τὴν μητέρα ἡ ὀφειλή, ὅτι με καὶ οὐσίωσε καὶ τῷ τῶν λόγων «κάλλει κατήστραψεν», οὐκ ἐγκελευσαμένη τοῦτο τοῖς παιδευταῖς, ἀλλ' αὐτὴ ὑποθεμένη καὶ κατασπείρουσα· ἀλλὰ τὸ μὲν ὄφλημα ἀναγκαῖον, οὐ πάνυ δὲ καὶ φορολογούμενον, οὐχ ὡς ἀγνωμονοῦντος τοῦ τοῦτο εἰσπραττομένου, ἀλλ' ὡς οὐκ ἔχοντος δοῦναι ὅπερ ὁ εἰσπράττων βεβούληται. καὶ περιΐσταται τῇ ἐμῇ μητρὶ μόνῃ πολλὰς δεδωκυίᾳ τῶν εὐφημιῶν ἀφορμὰς μηδεμιᾶς ἐπιτυγχάνειν· οὐ γὰρ «ἐτέμετο τὰς ὁδοὺς» διὰ πεδιάδος οὐδὲ «διὰ λείας» αὐτῇ πρόσιμεν, ἀλλ' ἀστιβῆ πάντα τὰ τμήματα καὶ ὄρεια καὶ ὑπερνεφῆ. Καὶ οἶδα μὲν ὅτι οὐδέν σοι δεῖ τῶν κάτωθι λόγων ἐχούσῃ τὴν ἄνωθεν σιωπήν, «τὴν μυστικὴν καὶ ἀπόρρητον», ἀλλ' ἡμῖν τὸ πρᾶγμα δεινόν, εἰ παρὰ σοῦ τὸν λόγον συνειληφότες μηδέν τί σοι ἐντεῦθεν εἰς εὐφημίαν συνερανίσαιμεν, ὥσπερ ἀβαθὴς «γῆ» καὶ «ἀπόκροτος» μηδέν τι τῷ γεωργῷ εἰς τὴν τῶν «σπερμάτων καταβολὴν» συντελέσασα· πλὴν διάφορον τὸ ἡμέτερον· οὐ γὰρ τοσοῦτον διεφθείραμεν τὴν σποράν, ἀλλὰ τὸν μὲν στάχυν ἀναδεδώκαμεν. οὐ πάνυ δέ σοι κατάλληλος ἡ τροφή, τὴν θείαν τρυφώσῃ τρυφήν, ἦς δὴ καὶ ζῶσα ὅσον προσῆκον καὶ τρόφιμον τῇ ψυχῇ παρεῖχες καὶ πρὸς τὴν τελεωτέραν ἐπιθυμίαν ῥωννύντως ἐρρώννυες. 11. Ἡ γὰρ ἐμὴ μήτηρ, τῷ νόμῳ μὲν ἀποχρησαμένη, «σαρκὶ καὶ αἵματι» συνεδέδετο· λέγω δὲ νόμον τὸν μετὰ τὴν ἔκπτωσιν τοῦ πρώτου καλοῦ. τὸ δὲ τῆς ψυχῆς γενικὸν ἀξίωμα, καὶ τί μὲν αὐτῆς τὸ πρὸς τὸ σῶμα ἄμικτον, τί δὲ τὸ μιγνύμενον καὶ τίς μὲν ταύτῃ ἡ πρὸς τὰ τῇδε ῥεῦσις ἢ νεῦσις, τίς δὲ ἡ ἄνοδος καὶ ἡ ἀνάβασις καὶ ὁπόθεν καί πως ἀφίπταται, ποῖ τε πρόεισι καὶ ποῦ καταλήγει καὶ τίς ὁ μετὰ ταῦτα κλῆρος καὶ τίνες οἱ ἀποκληροῦντες, τί τε τὸ δεδομένον καὶ τί τὸ ταμιευόμενον, ταῦτα δὴ καὶ τἆλλα ταῖς θείαις συμφιλοσοφοῦσα γραφαῖς, ὥσπερ αἱ διψητικώταται τῶν ἐλάφων, ἀκαθέκτως «ἐπὶ τὰς» τῶν τοιούτων ναμάτων «πηγὰς» ἴετο. Καὶ ἐβούλετο μὲν «ῥαγῆναι κόσμου» καὶ προσχωρῆσαι Θεῷ, οὐκ εἶχε δὲ ὅ τι καὶ δράσειεν, ἔτι τοῦ ἀνδρὸς περιόντος καὶ τὸ διαζυγῆναι ἐκείνης ἶσον οἰομένου καὶ αὐτοῦ ἀποστῆναι Θεοῦ. ἐκυμαίνετο γοῦν ἐπὶ τούτῳ τοῖς λογισμοῖς πολλὰς ἐνθυμήσεις κυκλοῦσα καὶ ἀνελίττουσα, εἴ ποθεν εὕροι τοῦ ἐρωμένου κατάληψιν. ἐβούλετο δέ, ὥσπερ ὁδοῦ διττὰ καὶ ἶσα τμήματα, τὴν ὁμοίαν ἀμφοτέρους δραμεῖν καὶ πρὸς τὸ αὐτὸ καταλῆξαι πέρας καὶ ἦν αὐτῇ εὐχὴ ἡμερινή τε ὁμοῦ καὶ νυκτερινή, καὶ τὰ πολλὰ κρύφιος καὶ λανθάνουσα, εἰς τὸν «μοναδικὸν βίον» τελέσαι καὶ τὴν ἀπαθῆ μετιέναι ζωήν· ἤρα γὰρ ἐκ πολλοῦ τοῦ «τριχίνου ῥάκους» καὶ τῆς ἐρημικῆς ζώνης καὶ τοῦτο τῶν πάντων αὐτῇ τὸ μελετώμενον καὶ φιλοσοφούμενον ἦν· «κεῖραι τὴν κόμην ἐν χρῷ» καὶ τραχῦναι τὸ σῶμα καὶ τύλοις καταλιθῶσαι τὸ γόνυ καὶ τοὺς δακτύλους σκληρῦναι καὶ καθαρῶς τῷ καθαρῷ βιῶναι Θεῷ. Ὅθεν καὶ ἀποτυγχάνουσα τῆς προθέσεως τοῖς οὕτως ἔχουσιν, ἀνδράσι τε καὶ γυναιξὶν ὁμοίως, τοῖς μὲν ὑπέσταλτο, ταῖς δὲ καὶ συνῄει καὶ συνεκάθευδεν ἐπὶ τῆς αὐτῆς δορᾶς, ἐπὶ ταὐτοῦ λίθου τὴν κεφαλὴν ἀναπαύουσα· ἐδυσχέραινε γὰρ πᾶσαν «εὐνὴν μαλακὴν» καὶ