Scene II.

Enter Chremes .

Chrem. (to Sostrata, within). Nay prithee, good wife, cease to stun the Gods With thanking them that you have found your daughter; Unless you fancy they are like yourself, And think they can not understand a thing Unless said o'er and o'er a hundred times. - But meanwhile (coming forward) wherefore do my son and Syrus Loiter so long?

Mene. Who are those loiterers, Chremes?

Chrem. Ha, Menedemus, are you there? - Inform me, Have you told Clinia what I said?

Mene. The whole.

Chrem. And what said he?

Mene. Grew quite transported at it, Like those who wish for marriage.

Chrem. Ha! ha! ha!

Mene. What do you laugh at?

Chrem. I was thinking of The cunning rogueries of that slave, Syrus. (Laughing.)

Mene. Oh, was that it?

Chrem. Why, he can form and mould The very visages of men, a rogue! (Laughing.)

Mene. Meaning my son's well-acted transport?

Chrem. Aye. (Laughing.)

Mene. The very thing that I was thinking of.

Chrem. A subtle villain! (Laughing.)

Mene. Nay, if you knew more, You'd be still more convinc'd on't.

Chrem. Say you so?

Mene. Aye; do but hear.

Chrem. (laughing). Hold! hold! inform me first How much you're out of pocket. For as soon As you inform'd your son of my consent, Dromo, I warrant, gave you a broad hint That the bride wanted jewels, clothes, attendants; That you might pay the money.

Mene. No.

Chrem. How? No?

Mene. No, I say.

Chrem. What! nor Clinia?

Mene. Not a word; But only press'd the marriage for to-day.

Chrem. Amazing! - But our Syrus? Did not he Throw in a word or two?

Mene. Not he.

Chrem. How so?

Mene. Faith I can't tell: but I'm amaz'd that you, Who see so clearly into all the rest, Should stick at this. - But that arch villain Syrus Has form'd and moulded your son too so rarely. That nobody can have the least suspicion That this is Clinia's mistress.

Chrem. How?

Mene. I pass Their kisses and embraces. All that's nothing.

Chrem. What is there more that he can counterfeit?

Mene. Ah! (Smiling.)

Chrem. What d'ye mean?

Mene. Nay, do but hear. I have A private snug apartment, a back room, Whither a bed was brought and made.

Chrem. What then?

Mene. No sooner done, than in went Clitipho.

Chrem. Alone?

Mene. Alone.

Chrem. I tremble.

Mene. Bacchis follow'd.

Chrem. Alone?

Mene. Alone.

Chrem. Undone!

Mene. No sooner in, But they made fast the door.

Chrem. Ha! And was Clinia Witness to this?

Mene. He was. - Both he and I.

Chrem. Bacchis is my son's mistress, Menedemus. I'm ruin'd.

Mene. Why d'ye think so?

Chrem. Mine is scarce A ten-days' family.

Mene. What are you dismay'd Because he sticks so closely to his friend?

Chrem. Friend! His she-friend.

Mene. If so -

Chrem. Is that a doubt? Is any man so courteous, and so patient, As tamely to stand by and see his mistress -

Mene. Ha, ha, ha! Why not? - That I, you know, Might be more easily impos'd upon. (Ironically.)

Chrem. D'ye laugh at me? I'm angry with myself: And well I may. How many circumstances Conspir'd to make it gross and palpable, Had I not been a stone! - What things I saw! Fool, fool! But by my life I'll be reveng'd: For now -

Mene. And can't you then contain yourself? Have you no self-respect? And am not I A full example for you?

Chrem. Menedemus, My anger throws me quite beside myself.

Mene. That you should talk thus! is it not a shame To be so lib'ral of advice to others, So wise abroad, and poor in sense at home?

Chrem. What shall I do?

Mene. That which but even now You counsel'd me to do: Give him to know That you're indeed a father: let him dare Trust his whole soul to you, seek, ask of you; Lest he to others have recourse, and leave you.

Chrem. And let him go; go where he will; much rather Than here by his extravagance reduce His father to distress and beggary. For if I should continue to supply The course of his expenses, Menedemus, Your desp'rate rakes would be my lot indeed.

Mene. Ah, to what evils you'll expose yourself, Unless you're cautious! You will seem severe, And yet forgive him afterward, and then With an ill grace too.

Chrem. Ah, you do not know How much this grieves me.

Mene. Well, well, take your way. But tell me, do you grant me my request That this your new-found daughter wed my son? Or is there aught more welcome to you?

Chrem. Nothing. The son-in-law and the alliance please me.

Mene. What portion shall I tell my son you've settled! Why are you silent?

Chrem. Portion!

Mene. Aye, what portion?

Chrem. Ah!

Mene. Fear not, Chremes, though it be but small: The portion nothing moves us.

Chrem. I propos'd, According to my fortune, that two talents Were full sufficient: But you now must say, If you'd save me, my fortune, and my son, That I have settled all I have upon her.

Mene. What mean you?

Chrem. Counterfeit amazement too, And question Clitipho my reason for it.

Mene. Nay, but I really do not know your reason.

Chrem. My reason for it? - That his wanton mind, Now flush'd with lux'ry and lasciviousness, I may o'erwhelm: and bring him down so low, He may not know which way to turn himself.

Mene. What are you at?

Chrem. Allow me! let me have My own way in this business.

Mene. I allow you. Is it your pleasure?

Chrem. It is.

Mene. Be it so.

Chrem. Come then, let Clinia haste to call the bride. And for this son of mine, he shall be school'd, As children ought. - But Syrus!

Mene. What of him?

Chrem. What! I'll so handle him, so curry him, That while he lives he shall remember me.

Exit Menedemus . What, make a jest of me? a laughing-stock? Now, afore Heav'n, he would not dare to treat A poor lone widow as he treated me.