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that you have mercy on all who fervently repent, equally with your apostles and all the saints, and you benefit and honor and glorify them, my God, as they look with longing only to you, the creator of the world, to whom is due glory and honor, might, majesty, as to the king and God of all and Lord now and always and forever unto ages of ages; amen.

XIV.

Thanksgiving to God on account of the gifts of which he was deemed worthy by Him; and that the dignity of the priesthood and of the abbacy is dreadful even to angels. (81)

I, even if I wish, Master, am not able to speak. For what at all shall I utter, being unclean both in thoughts and in deeds and in all my notions? Yet I am wounded in my soul, I am on fire within, desiring to speak to you, my God, even if a little. I see, and for you know my affairs, O my God, that I have defiled all the members of my body and soul from birth, being wholly sin. I perceive your mercy and love for mankind and your many good things, which you have wrought for me, and I become speechless, nearly despairing, and I am afflicted, grieving continually, wretched that I am, because I am unworthy of all your good things. Whenever I come to myself and wish to reflect in my mind, O Christ, on the multitude of my evils, and that I have not done one good thing in my life, and that instead of the punishments, of your just wrath, which I was about to endure for having greatly grieved you, you have now deemed me worthy of so many more good things, I come to despair, I fear your judgment, because I add even more offenses each day, (82) and I tremble lest you turn your great mercy and love for mankind into the wrath of a greater punishment, because, being a recipient of your benefits, I am all the more ungrateful to you, being a wicked servant of you, the good Master. All other things, therefore, O Lord, offered endurance, procuring for me hope of eternal life; for which reason I also rejoiced greatly, as you alone know, trusting in your goodness and in your mercy. For because of this you took me completely out of the world and separated me from all relatives and friends, so that you might both have mercy on me and save me, my Christ; being fully assured of this by your grace, I had insatiable joy and firm hope.

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ὅτι τούς πάντας ἐλεεῖς θερμῶς μετανοοῦντας ἴσον τοῖς ἀποστόλοις σου καί πᾶσι τοῖς ἁγίοις, εὐεργετεῖς τε καί τιμᾷς καί δοξάζεις, Θεέ μου, ὡς μετά πόθου σέ μόνον βλέποντας, τόν ποιητήν τοῦ κόσμου, ᾧ πρέπει δόξα καί τιμή, κράτος, μεγαλωσύνη, ὡς βασιλεῖ τε καί Θεῷ τοῦ παντός καί ∆εσπότῃ νῦν καί ἀεί διά παντός εἰς αἰῶνας αἰώνων˙ ἀμήν.

Ι∆'.

Εὐχαριστία πρός Θεόν τῶν δωρεῶν ἕνεκα, ὧν παρ᾿ αὐτοῦ ἠξιώθη˙ καί ὅτι φρικτόν καί ἀγγέλοις τό τῆς ἱερωσύνης καί ἡγουμενείας ἀξίωμα. (81)

Ἐγώ, κἄν θέλω, ∆έσποτα, λαλῆσαι οὐκ ἰσχύω. Τί γάρ ὅλως καί φθέγξομαι ἀκάθαρτος ὑπάρχων καί λογισμοῖς καί πράξεσι καί ἐννοίαις ἁπάσαις; Πλήν τήν ψυχήν τιτρώσκομαι, φλέγομαι τά ἐντός μου ἐπιθυμῶν λαλῆσαί σοι, κἄν ποσῶς, ὁ Θεός μου. Βλέπω, καί γάρ ἐπίστασαι τά ἐμά, ὦ Θεέ μου, ὅτι τά μέλη ἅπαντα σώματος καί ψυχῆς μου ἐμίανα ἐκ γενετῆς, ὅλος ὤν ἁμαρτία. Τεκμαίρομαι τό ἔλεος καί τήν φιλανθρωπίαν καί τά καλά σου τά πολλά, ἅ εἰς ἐμέ εἰργάσω, καί ἄφωνος καθίσταμαι μικροῦ ἀπογινώσκων καί θλίβομαι διηνεκῶς λυπούμενος, ὁ τάλας, ὅτι ἀνάξιός εἰμι τῶν ἀγαθῶν σου πάντων. Ὁπόταν ἔλθω εἰς ἐμαυτόν καί κατά νοῦν θελήσω ἀναλογίσθαι, Χριστέ, τά πλήθη τῶν κακῶν μου, καί ὅτι ἕν ἀγαθόν οὐκ ἔπραξα ἐν βίῳ, ἀντί δέ τῶν κολάσεων, ὀργῆς σου τῆς δικαίας, ὧν ὑπομεῖναι ἔμελλον ὡς πολλά σε λυπήσας, τοσούτων μᾶλλον ἀγαθῶν νῦν κατηξίωσάς με, ἔρχομαι εἰς ἀπόγνωσιν, φοβοῦμαί σου τό κρῖμα, ὅτι καί μᾶλλον προστιθῶ πταίσματα καθ᾿ ἑκάστην, (82) καί τό πολύ σου ἔλεος καί τήν φιλανθρωπίαν τρέμω μή τρέψῃς εἰς θυμόν μείζονος τιμωρίας, ὅτι εὐεργετούμενος ἀχαριστῶ σοι πλέον, δοῦλος ὑπάρχων πονηρός σου, τοῦ καλοῦ ∆εσπότου. Πάντα οὖν τἆλλα, Κύριε, ὑπομονήν παρεῖχον, ἐλπίδα προξενοῦντά μοι ζωῆς τῆς αἰωνίου˙ οὗ ἕνεκεν καί ἔχαιρον πολλά, ὡς οἶδας μόνος, θαρρῶν εἰς τήν χρηστότητα καί εἰς τό ἔλεός σου. ∆ιά γάρ τοῦτο ἐκ παντός ἦρές με ἐκ τοῦ κόσμου καί πάντων ἀπεχώρισας συγγενῶν τε καί φίλων, ὅπως καί ἐλεήσῃς με καί σώσῃς με, Χριστέ μου˙ τοῦτο πληροφορούμενος παρά τῆς χάριτός σου εἶχον χαράν ἀπλήρωτον και βεβαίαν ἐλπίδα.