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pulling from opposite sides, they divided me among themselves; the one my prudence and my sobriety, the other my good works and divine actions, pointing to themselves, they proved me a corpse, leaving conceit—the paradoxical and wondrous and great thing—in me, the defiled one. For how, tell me, is it not wondrous, how is it not full of mercy, that so many passions, having suddenly fallen upon me and shown me to be naked of all virtue and a corpse, (75) I have once again escaped my own notice, having recognized nothing of what has happened, but I imagine I am greater than all, and dispassionate and holy and a wise theologian, justly also honored by all men, but also praised, as worthy of praise, summoning all, I seem to gather honor. For when they gather, I am puffed up the more and I frequently look around, lest someone has been left behind, who has not come and looked upon me; and if anyone should be found who has overlooked me, I bear a grudge and revile and slander him, so that he too, having heard and not bearing my censures, might come, might greet me, might appear obsequious to me and as if he too needs my prayer and love, and I say to all the rest: So-and-so is also coming and receives the prayers and hears the words and my teaching—alas for my foolishness! How then can I see the nakedness of my wretchedness and feel the wounds and be grieved and weep and seek a cure reclining in a hospital and beseeching physicians, showing my bruises, and laying bare to them also my hidden passions, so that they might apply dry remedies, plasters and cauteries, and I endure steadfastly for the sake of my cure, but rather add wounds daily? But, O my God, have pity on me, who have gone astray, and implant Your fear in my heart, so that I might flee the world according to Your commandments and have hatred towards it and be prudently constrained, and do not allow me, O Christ, to wander in the midst of it, because I love You alone, though I have not yet loved You, and I expect to keep Your commandments alone, though I am wholly in passions, not even having recognized You.

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ἀπ᾿ ἐναντίας σύροντες διεμερίσαντό με˙ ἡ μέν τήν σωφροσύνην μου καί τό νηφάλιόν μου, ἡ δέ τά ἔργα τά καλά καί πράξεις τάς ἐνθέους ἐφ᾿ ἑαυτάς δεικνύοντες νεκρόν ἀπέδειξάν με, οἴησιν, τό παράδοξον καί θαυμαστόν καί μέγα, καταλιπόντες ἐν ἐμοί τῷ κατερρυπωμένῳ. Πῶς γάρ, εἰπέ, οὐ θαυμαστόν, πῶς οὐ πλῆρες ἐλέους, ὅτι τοσαῦτα πάθη με ἐπιπεσόντα αἴφνης καί πάσης ἀρετῆς γυμνόν καί νεκρόν δείξαντά με (75) ἔλαθον πάλιν ἐμαυτόν μηδέν τῶν γενομένων ἐπεγνωκώς, ἀλλ᾿ οἴομαι μείζων πάντων ὑπάρχειν καί ἀπαθής καί ἅγιος καί σοφός θεολόγος, δικαίως καί τιμώμενος παρά πάντων ἀνθρώπων, ἀλλά καί ἐπαινούμενος, ὡς ἄξιος ἐπαίνων ἅπαντας προσκαλούμενος δοκῶ τιμήν συνάγειν. Συναγομένων γάρ αὐτῶν ἐγώ φυσῶμαι πλέον καί συχνῶς περιβλέπομαι, μή πού τις ἀπελείφθη, ὅστις οὐ παραγένετο καί ἐθεάσατό με˙ καί εἴ που εὑρεθείη τις παραβλεψάμενός με, μνησικακῶ καί λοιδορῶ καί διασύρω τοῦτον, ὅπως ἀκούσας καί αὐτός μή φέρων μου τούς ψόγους ἔλθῃ, προσαγορεύσῃ με, φανῇ ὑπόσδονδός μου καί ὡς κἀκεῖνος χρῄζει μου τῆς εὐχῆς καί ἀγάπης, καί λέγω πάντας τούς λοιπούς˙ Ἔρχεται καί ὁ δεῖνα καί τάς εὐχάς κομίζεται καί τούς λόγους ἀκούει καί τήν διδασκαλίαν μου - φεῦ μοι τῆς εὐπηθείας! Πῶς οὖν βλέπω γύμνωσιν τῆς ἀθλιότητός μου καί τῶν πληγῶν αἰσθάνομαι καί λυποῦμαι καί κλαίω καί ἴασιν ἐπιζητῶ ἀνακλιθείς ξενῶνι καί ἰατρούς παρακαλῶ δεικνύς τούς μώλωπάς μου, ἀπογυμνώσας τε αὐτοῖς καί τά κρυπτά μου πάθη, ὡς ἄν ξηρία, ἔμπλαστρα καί καύστρας ἐπιθῶσι, καί ὑπομείνω καρτερῶς διά τήν ἴασίν μου, ἀλλά καί μᾶλλον προστιθῶ τραύματα καθ᾿ ἑκάστην; Ἀλλ᾿, ὦ Θεέ μου, οἴκτειρον ἐμέ πεπλανημένον καί φόβον σου ἐμφύτευσον ἐν τῇ ἐμῇ καρδίᾳ, ἵνα τόν κόσμον φύγοιμι κατά τάς ἐντολάς σου καί μῖσος ἔξω πρός αὐτόν καί συσταλῶ ἐμφρόνως, καί μή ἐάσῃς με, Χριστέ, μέσον τούτου πλανᾶσθαι, ὅτι σέ μόνον ἀγαπῶ μήπω σε ἀγαπήσας, καί σοῦ μόνου προσδοκῶ τάς ἐντολάς φυλάττειν, ὅλως ὤν ἐν τοῖς πάθεσι, μηδέ ἐπεγνωκώς σε.