44

14.

Thanksgiving to God on account of the gifts, of which he was deemed worthy by Him; and that the dignity of the priesthood and of the office of abbot is awesome even to angels. (81)

I, even if I wish, Master, am not strong enough to speak. For what at all shall I utter, being unclean both in thoughts and in deeds and in all my notions? But I am wounded in my soul, I am on fire within, desiring to speak to You, even a little, my God. I see, and indeed You know my affairs, O my God, that all the members of my body and my soul I have defiled from birth, being wholly sin. I perceive Your mercy and Your love for mankind and Your many good things, which you have wrought for me, and I become speechless, nearly despairing, and I am afflicted, grieving continually, wretched that I am, because I am unworthy of all Your good things. Whenever I come to myself and wish to consider in my mind, O Christ, the multitudes of my evils, and that I have not done one good thing in my life, and instead of the punishments, of Your just wrath, which I was about to endure for having grieved You so much, You have now deemed me worthy of so many more good things, I come to despair, I fear Your judgment, because I add even more stumblings each day, (82) and I tremble at Your great mercy and love for mankind, lest You turn it into wrath for a greater punishment, because being a benefactor I am more ungrateful to you, being a wicked servant of You, the good Master. All other things, therefore, Lord, provided patience, procuring for me the hope of eternal life; for which reason I also rejoiced greatly, as You alone know, trusting in Your goodness and in Your mercy. For on account of this You certainly took me out of the world and separated me from all relatives and friends, so that You might both have mercy on me and save me, my Christ; being fully convinced of this by Your grace, I had unfulfilled joy and a sure hope. But how to speak of the last two things, I do not know, which You were pleased to bring about for me, my King, and they deprive my soul and my mind of speech

44

Ι∆'.

Εὐχαριστία πρός Θεόν τῶν δωρεῶν ἕνεκα, ὧν παρ᾿ αὐτοῦ ἠξιώθη˙ καί ὅτι φρικτόν καί ἀγγέλοις τό τῆς ἱερωσύνης καί ἡγουμενείας ἀξίωμα. (81)

Ἐγώ, κἄν θέλω, ∆έσποτα, λαλῆσαι οὐκ ἰσχύω. Τί γάρ ὅλως καί φθέγξομαι ἀκάθαρτος ὑπάρχων καί λογισμοῖς καί πράξεσι καί ἐννοίαις ἁπάσαις; Πλήν τήν ψυχήν τιτρώσκομαι, φλέγομαι τά ἐντός μου ἐπιθυμῶν λαλῆσαί σοι, κἄν ποσῶς, ὁ Θεός μου. Βλέπω, καί γάρ ἐπίστασαι τά ἐμά, ὦ Θεέ μου, ὅτι τά μέλη ἅπαντα σώματος καί ψυχῆς μου ἐμίανα ἐκ γενετῆς, ὅλος ὤν ἁμαρτία. Τεκμαίρομαι τό ἔλεος καί τήν φιλανθρωπίαν καί τά καλά σου τά πολλά, ἅ εἰς ἐμέ εἰργάσω, καί ἄφωνος καθίσταμαι μικροῦ ἀπογινώσκων καί θλίβομαι διηνεκῶς λυπούμενος, ὁ τάλας, ὅτι ἀνάξιός εἰμι τῶν ἀγαθῶν σου πάντων. Ὁπόταν ἔλθω εἰς ἐμαυτόν καί κατά νοῦν θελήσω ἀναλογίσθαι, Χριστέ, τά πλήθη τῶν κακῶν μου, καί ὅτι ἕν ἀγαθόν οὐκ ἔπραξα ἐν βίῳ, ἀντί δέ τῶν κολάσεων, ὀργῆς σου τῆς δικαίας, ὧν ὑπομεῖναι ἔμελλον ὡς πολλά σε λυπήσας, τοσούτων μᾶλλον ἀγαθῶν νῦν κατηξίωσάς με, ἔρχομαι εἰς ἀπόγνωσιν, φοβοῦμαί σου τό κρῖμα, ὅτι καί μᾶλλον προστιθῶ πταίσματα καθ᾿ ἑκάστην, (82) καί τό πολύ σου ἔλεος καί τήν φιλανθρωπίαν τρέμω μή τρέψῃς εἰς θυμόν μείζονος τιμωρίας, ὅτι εὐεργετούμενος ἀχαριστῶ σοι πλέον, δοῦλος ὑπάρχων πονηρός σου, τοῦ καλοῦ ∆εσπότου. Πάντα οὖν τἆλλα, Κύριε, ὑπομονήν παρεῖχον, ἐλπίδα προξενοῦντά μοι ζωῆς τῆς αἰωνίου˙ οὗ ἕνεκεν καί ἔχαιρον πολλά, ὡς οἶδας μόνος, θαρρῶν εἰς τήν χρηστότητα καί εἰς τό ἔλεός σου. ∆ιά γάρ τοῦτο ἐκ παντός ἦρές με ἐκ τοῦ κόσμου καί πάντων ἀπεχώρισας συγγενῶν τε καί φίλων, ὅπως καί ἐλεήσῃς με καί σώσῃς με, Χριστέ μου˙ τοῦτο πληροφορούμενος παρά τῆς χάριτός σου εἶχον χαράν ἀπλήρωτον και βεβαίαν ἐλπίδα. Τά δύο δέ τά ἔσχατα ὅπως εἴπω, οὐκ οἶδα, ἅ εἰς ἐμέ εὐδόκησας γενέσθαι, Βασιλεῦ μου, καί τήν ψυχήν μου καί τόν νοῦν λόγου ἀποστεροῦσι