Chapter VI.—His Friend Being Snatched Away by Death, He Imagines that He Remains Only as Half.

11. But why do I speak of these things? For this is not the time to question, but rather to confess unto Thee. Miserable I was, and miserable is every soul fettered by the friendship of perishable things—he is torn to pieces when he loses them, and then is sensible of the misery which he had before ever he lost them. Thus was it at that time with me; I wept most bitterly, and found rest in bitterness. Thus was I miserable, and that life of misery I accounted dearer than my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet I was even more unwilling to lose it than him; yea, I knew not whether I was willing to lose it even for him, as is handed down to us (if not an invention) of Pylades and Orestes, that they would gladly have died one for another, or both together, it being worse than death to them not to live together. But there had sprung up in me some kind of feeling, too, contrary to this, for both exceedingly wearisome was it to me to live, and dreadful to die, I suppose, the more I loved him, so much the more did I hate and fear, as a most cruel enemy, that death which had robbed me of him; and I imagined it would suddenly annihilate all men, as it had power over him. Thus, I remember, it was with me. Behold my heart, O my God! Behold and look into me, for I remember it well, O my Hope! who cleansest me from the uncleanness of such affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet out of the net.173    Ps. xxv. 15. For I was astonished that other mortals lived, since he whom I loved, as if he would never die, was dead; and I wondered still more that I, who was to him a second self, could live when he was dead. Well did one say of his friend, “Thou half of my soul,”174    Horace, Carm. i. ode 3. for I felt that my soul and his soul were but one soul in two bodies;175    Ovid, Trist. iv. eleg. iv. 72. and, consequently, my life was a horror to me, because I would not live in half. And therefore, perchance, was I afraid to die, lest he should die wholly176    Augustin’s reference to this passage in his Retractations is quoted at the beginning of the book. He might have gone further than to describe his words here as declamatio levis, since the conclusion is not logical. whom I had so greatly loved.

CAPUT VI. Quantus ex amici morte dolor.

11. Quid autem ista loquor? Non enim tempus querendi nunc est, sed confitendi tibi. Miser eram, et miser est omnis animus vinctus amicitia rerum mortalium; et dilaniatur cum eas amittit, et tunc sentit miseriam qua miser est et antequam amittat eas. Sic ego eram illo tempore, et flebam amarissime, et requiescebam in amaritudine. Ita miser eram, et habebam chariorem illo amico meo vitam ipsam miseram. Nam quamvis eam mutare vellem, nollem tamen amittere magis quam illum. Et nescio an vellem vel pro illo, sicut de Oreste et Pylade traditur, si non fingitur, qui vellent pro invicem vel simul mori, quia morte pejus eis erat non simul vivere. Sed in me nescio quis affectus nimis huic contrarius ortus erat; et taedium vivendi erat in me gravissimum, et moriendi metus. Credo quo magis illum amabam, eo magis mortem, quae mihi eum abstulerat, tanquam 0698 atrocissimam inimicam oderam et timebam, et eam repente consumpturam omnes homines putabam, quia illum potuit. Sic eram omnino, memini. Ecce cor meum, Deus meus: ecce intus vide quia memini, spes mea, qui me mundas a talium affectionum immunditia, dirigens oculos meos ad te, et evellens de laqueo pedes meos (Psal. XXIV, 15). Mirabar enim caeteros mortales vivere, quia ille, quem quasi non moriturum dilexeram, mortuus erat; et me magis, quia illi alter eram, vivere illo mortuo mirabar. Bene quidam dixit de amico suo: Dimidium animae meae (Horat. Carm., lib. 1, ode 3). Nam ego sensi animam meam et animam illius unam fuisse animan in duobus corporibus; et ideo mihi horrori erat vita, quia nolebam dimidius vivere, et ideo forte mori metuebam, ne totus ille moreretur quem multum amaveram (Retract. lib. 2, c. 6).