John Chrysostom, On Priesthood

these humble them. Just as, therefore, fierce beasts, when they are in good bodily condition and vigorous, overcome those who fight against them, and especially when they are weak and inexperienced, but if someone should waste them away with hunger, he has both lulled their rage and extinguished the greater part of their strength, so that even one who is not very brave can undertake the contest and war against them, so also with the passions of the soul, he who makes them weak places them under right reasonings, but he who nourishes them carefully makes the battle against them harder for himself and thus renders them so fearsome to himself as to live all his time in slavery and cowardice. What then is the food of these beasts? For vainglory, honors and praises; for arrogance, the greatness of authority and power; for envy, the successes of neighbors; for avarice, the munificence of those who give; for licentiousness, luxury and constant encounters with women, and one thing of another. But all these things will fiercely attack one who comes into their midst and will tear my soul to pieces and will be terrible and will make the war against them harder for me. But while sitting here, it will be subdued, even so with much violence, yet it will be subdued by the grace of God, and their barking will be nothing more. For these reasons I guard this little house and am unapproachable and unsociable and uncommunicative, and I endure hearing countless other such reproaches, though I would gladly shake them off, but being bitten and pained by my inability to do so; for it is not easy for me to be both sociable and to remain in my present security. For which reason I also beseech you yourself, to pity rather than to slander one who is encompassed by so much difficulty. But we have not yet persuaded you; it is time, therefore, to cast out to you also that which was the only secret I had. And perhaps it will seem incredible to many; but I, even so, will not be ashamed to bring it forth into the open. For if what is said is a proof of a wicked conscience and of countless sins, since God who is to judge us knows all things precisely, what more can come to us from the ignorance of men? What then is the secret? From that day on which you put this suspicion into me, my body was often in danger of being completely paralyzed, so great a fear, so great a despondency seized my soul. For reflecting on the glory of the bride of Christ, her holiness, her spiritual beauty, her intelligence, her good order, and considering my own evils, I did not cease both mourning for her and bewailing myself, and groaning continually and being at a loss I said to myself: Who then advised these things? What so great sin has the Church of God committed? What so great thing has provoked her Lord that she should be delivered to me, the most dishonorable of all, and endure so great a shame? Often considering these things by myself and being unable to bear even the thought of so great an absurdity, like those who are paralyzed I lay speechless, able neither to see nor to hear anything. And when this great helplessness left me—for at times it did withdraw—tears and despondency succeeded, and after the satiety of tears, fear entered in its place again, troubling and disturbing and shaking my mind. In such a storm I lived for the past time; but you were ignorant and thought I was living in tranquility. But now I will try to reveal to you the winter of my soul; for perhaps from this you will pardon me, having forgiven the accusations. How then shall we, how shall we uncover it to you? If you wished to see clearly, there was no other way than by laying bare my heart. But since this is impossible, through a faint image, as I may be able, I will try for now to show you the smoke of my despondency; but you from the image gather the despondency alone. Let us suppose there to be for someone the betrothed daughter of the king of all the earth that lies under the sun, and this maiden to have beauty

ταπεινοῦσιν αὗται. Ὥσπερ οὖν θηρία χαλεπά, ὅταν μὲν εὐσωματῇ καὶ σφριγᾷ, τῶν πρὸς αὐτὰ μαχομένων κρατεῖ, καὶ μάλιστα ὅταν ἀσθενεῖς ὦσι καὶ ἄπειροι, εἰ δέ τις αὐτὰ λιμῷ κατατήξειε, τόν τε θυμὸν αὐτοῖς ἐκοίμισε καὶ τῆς δυνάμεως τὸ πλέον ἔσβεσεν, ὡς καὶ τὸν μὴ λίαν γενναῖον ἀναδέξασθαι τὸν πρὸς ταῦτα ἀγῶνα καὶ πόλεμον, οὕτω καὶ τὰ πάθη τῆς ψυχῆς, ὁ μὲν ἀσθενῆ ποιῶν ὑπὸ τοῖς ὀρθοῖς αὐτὰ τίθησι λογισμοῖς, ὁ δὲ τρέφων ἐπιμελῶς χαλεπωτέραν αὑτῷ τὴν πρὸς αὐτὰ καθίστησι μάχην καὶ οὕτως αὐτῷ φοβερὰ ταῦτα ἀπεργάζεται ὡς ἐν δουλείᾳ καὶ δειλίᾳ τὸν πάντα χρόνον βιοῦν. Τίς οὖν τῶν θηρίων τούτων ἡ τροφή; Κενοδοξίας μὲν τιμαὶ καὶ ἔπαινοι, ἀπονοίας δὲ ἐξουσίας καὶ δυναστείας μέγεθος, βασκανίας δὲ αἱ τῶν πλησίον εὐδοκιμήσεις, φιλαργυρίας, αἱ τῶν παρεχόντων φιλοτιμίαι, ἀκολασίας, τρυφὴ καὶ αἱ συνεχεῖς τῶν γυναικῶν ἐντεύξεις, καὶ ἕτερον ἑτέρου. Πάντα δὲ ταῦτα εἰς μὲν τὸ μέσον ἐλθόντι σφοδρῶς ἐπιθήσεται καὶ σπαράξει μοι τὴν ψυχὴν καὶ φοβερὰ ἔσται καὶ χαλεπώτερόν μοι τὸν πρὸς αὐτὰ ποιήσει πόλεμον. Ἐνταῦθα δὲ καθημένῳ, μετὰ πολλῆς μὲν καὶ οὕτως ὑποταγήσεται τῆς βίας, ὑποταγήσεται δ' οὖν ὅμως τῇ τοῦ Θεοῦ χάριτι καὶ τῆς ὑλακῆς αὐτοῖς οὐδὲν ἔσται πλέον. ∆ιὰ ταῦτα τὸν οἰκίσκον φυλάττω τοῦτον καὶ ἀπρόσιτος καὶ ἀσυνουσίαστος καὶ ἀκοινώνητος, καὶ μυρίας ἑτέρας τοιαύτας μέμψεις ἀκούειν ἀνέχομαι, ἡδέως μὲν ἂν αὐτὰς ἀποτριψάμενος, τῷ δὲ μὴ δύνασθαι δακνόμενος καὶ ἀλγῶν· οὐδὲ γὰρ εὔπορόν μοι ὁμιλητικόν τε ὁμοῦ γενέσθαι καὶ ἐπὶ τῆς παρούσης ἀσφαλείας μένειν. ∆ι' ὃ καὶ αὐτόν σε παρακαλῶ, τὸν ὑπὸ τοσαύτης δυσχερείας ἀπειλημμένον ἐλεεῖν μᾶλλον ἢ διαβάλλειν. Ἀλλ' οὐδέπω σε πείθομεν· οὐκοῦν ὥρα λοιπὸν ὃ μόνον εἶχον ἀπόρρητον πρὸς σὲ καὶ τοῦτο ἐκβαλεῖν. Καὶ ἴσως μὲν ἄπιστον εἶναι δόξει πολλοῖς· ἐγὼ δὲ αὐτὸ οὐδὲ οὕτως εἰς μέσον ἐνεγκεῖν αἰσχυνθήσομαι. Εἰ γὰρ καὶ πονηρᾶς συνειδήσεως καὶ μυρίων ἁμαρτημάτων ἔλεγχος τὸ λεγόμενον, τοῦ μέλλοντος ἡμᾶς κρίνειν Θεοῦ πάντα εἰδότος ἀκριβῶς, τί πλέον ἡμῖν ἐκ τῆς τῶν ἀνθρώπων ἀγνοίας ἐγγενέσθαι δυνήσεται. Τί οὖν ἐστι τὸ ἀπόρρητον; Ἀπὸ τῆς ἡμέρας ἐκείνης ἐν ᾗ ταύτην ἐνέθηκάς μοι τὴν ὑποψίαν, πολλάκις ἐκινδύνευσέ μοι παραλυθῆναι τὸ σῶμα τέλεον, τοσοῦτος μὲν φόβος, τοσαύτη δὲ ἀθυμία κατέσχε μου τὴν ψυχήν. Τῆς γὰρ Χριστοῦ νύμφης τὴν δόξαν ἐννοῶν, τὴν ἁγιωσύνην, τὸ κάλλος τὸ πνευματικόν, τὴν σύνεσιν, τὴν εὐκοσμίαν, καὶ τὰ ἐμαυτοῦ λογιζόμενος κακά, οὐ διελίμπανον ἐκείνην τε πενθῶν καὶ ἐμαυτὸν ταλανίζων, καὶ στένων συνεχῶς καὶ διαπορῶν πρὸς ἐμαυτὸν ἔλεγον· Τίς ἄρα ταῦτα συνεβούλευσε; τί τοσοῦτον ἥμαρτεν ἡ τοῦ Θεοῦ Ἐκκλησία; τί τηλικοῦτο παρώξυνε τὸν αὐτῆς δεσπότην ὡς τῷ πάντων ἀτιμοτάτῳ παραδοθῆναι ἐμοὶ καὶ τοσαύτην ὑπομεῖναι αἰσχύνην; Ταῦτα πολλάκις κατ' ἐμαυτὸν λογιζόμενος καὶ τοῦ λίαν ἀτόπου μηδὲ τὴν ἐνθύμησιν δυνάμενος ἐνεγκεῖν, ὥσπερ οἱ παραπλῆγες ἐκείμην ἀχανής, οὔτε ὁρᾶν οὔτε ἀκούειν τι δυνάμενος. Τῆς δὲ ἀμηχανίας με τῆς τοσαύτης ἀφείσης -καὶ γὰρ ἔστιν ὅτε καὶ ὑπεξίστατο-, διεδέχετο δάκρυα καὶ ἀθυμία, καὶ μετὰ τὸν τῶν δακρύων κόρον, ἀντεισῄει πάλιν ὁ φόβος, ταράττων καὶ θορυβῶν καὶ διασείων μοι τὴν διάνοιαν. Τοσαύτῃ ζάλῃ τὸν παρελθόντα συνέζων χρόνον· σὺ δὲ ἠγνόεις καὶ ἐν γαλήνῃ με διάγειν ἐνόμιζες. Ἀλλὰ νῦν σοι ἀποκαλύψαι πειράσομαι τὸν χειμῶνα τῆς ἐμῆς ψυχῆς· τάχα γάρ μοι καὶ ἀπὸ τούτου συγγνώσῃ, τὰ ἐγκλήματα ἀφείς. Πῶς οὖν σοι, πῶς αὐτὸν ἐκκαλύψωμεν; Εἰ μὲν σαφῶς ἐθέλοις ἰδεῖν, ἑτέρως οὐκ ἐνῆν ἀλλ' ἢ τὴν καρδίαν γυμνώσαντα τὴν ἐμήν. Ἐπειδὴ δὲ τοῦτο ἀδύνατον, δι' ἀμυδρᾶς τινος εἰκόνος, ὡς ἂν οἷός τε ὦ, πειράσομαί σοι τὸν τῆς ἀθυμίας τέως ὑποδεῖξαι καπνόν· σὺ δὲ ἐκ τῆς εἰκόνος τὴν ἀθυμίαν σύλλεγε μόνην. Ὑποθώμεθα εἶναί τινι μνηστὴν τοῦ πάσης τῆς ὑφ' ἡλίῳ κειμένης γῆς βασιλεύοντος θυγατέρα, ταύτην τε τὴν κόρην κάλλος τε ἔχειν