133
but deem me also worthy, by your light, until the end to walk tirelessly in the way of the commandments and in that very light of your hands, O all-merciful One, to commend my spirit, delivering me from enemies, darkness, fire, eternal torments, O Word! Yes, O you who are abundant in compassion, ineffable in mercy, deem me worthy to surrender my soul into your hands, just as even now I happen to be in your hand, O Savior. Therefore, let not sin obstruct my path, let it not cut it short, let it not tear me from your hand, but let the terrible and soul-destroying ruler be put to shame, O Master, seeing me within your palm, just as even now he does not dare to come near me, seeing me sheltered by your grace! Do not condemn me, O Christ, do not thrust me away into Hades, do not bring my soul down into the abyss of death, because I dare to name your name, I who am filthy, defiled, and profane in every way; may the earth not open and swallow me, O Word, the transgressor, who am not worthy to live at all, nor to speak. May fire not come down upon me and lick me up suddenly, (205) so that I am not permitted to say, "Lord, have mercy!" may you, who are abundant in compassion, the lover of mankind by nature, not wish to enter into judgment with me. For what shall I utter at all, being sin itself? What, then, could I possibly say, I who am already condemned, I who from my mother's womb have stumbled immeasurably against you and until now have been insensible to your long-suffering, who have been carried down myriad times into the abyss of Hades and from there drawn up by your divine goodness, who has defiled the limbs and flesh of my soul and body as no one else in this life, the shameless, mad lover of pleasures, wicked and deceitful in the evil of my soul, who has not kept even one of your commandments, O Christ? How shall I defend myself to you, what shall I even call you, with what soul shall I bear your reproofs, O my God? If you lay bare my iniquities and my deeds, O immortal King, do not show them to all, for I shudder when I think of the works of my youth, and to speak of them is full of horror, replete with shame. For if you should wish to reveal these things to all,
133
ἀλλά ἀξίωσον κἀμέ φωτί σου μέχρι τέλους καί τῇ ὁδῷ τῶν ἐντολῶν ἀόκνως πορευθῆναι καί ἐν αὐτῷ σου τῷ φωτί τῶν χειρῶν, πανοικτίρμον, παραθεῖναι τό πνεῦμά μου, λυτρούμενος ἐχθρῶν με, σκότους, πυρός, κολάσεων τῶν αἰωνίων, Λόγε! Ναί, ὁ πολύς ἐν οἰκτιρμοῖς, ἄφατος ἐν ἐλέει, ἀξίωσον εἰς χεῖράς σου παραδοῦναι ψυχήν μου, καθώς καί νῦν ἐν τῇ χειρί τῇ σῇ, Σῶτερ, τυγχάνω. Μή οὖν παρεμποδίσῃ μου τήν ὁδόν ἁμαρτία, μή περικόψῃ, μή τῆς σῆς ἀποσπάσῃ χειρός με, ἀλλ᾿ αἰσχυνθήτω ὁ δεινός ἄρχων καί ψυχοφθόρος ἐντός παλάμης, ∆έσποτα, τῆς σῆς ὄντα με βλέπων, καθά καί νῦν οὐδέ τολμᾷ πλησίον μου γενέσθαι ὁρῶν ὑπό τῆς χάριτος τῆς σῆς σκεπόμενόν με! Μή κατακρίνῃς με, Χριστέ, μή εἰς ᾅδην ἀπώσῃ, μή καταγάγῃς εἰς βυθόν θανάτου τήν ψυχήν μου, ὅτι τολμῶν τό ὄνομα τό σόν κατονομάζειν, ὁ ῥυπαρός, ὁ μιαρός καί βέβηλος εἰς ἅπαν˙ μή χάνῃ γῆ καί καταπίῃ με, Λόγε, τόν παραβάτην, τόν μηδέ ζῆν, μηδέ λαλεῖν ὅλως ἄξιον ὄντα. Μή πῦρ κατέλθῃ ἐπ᾿ ἐμέ καί ἐκλείξῃ με ἄφνω, (205) ὡς μή Κύριε ἐλέησον! εἰπεῖν συγχωρηθέντα, μή ὁ πολύς ἐν οἰκτιρμοῖς, ὁ φιλάνθρωπος φύσει, μή εἰσελθεῖν θελήσειας μετ᾿ ἐμοῦ τοῦ κριθῆναι. Τί γάρ καί ὅλως φθέγξομαι, ὑπάρχων ἁμαρτία, τί οὖν καί εἴποιμι ποσῶς, ὁ κατακεκριμένος, ὁ ἐκ κοιλίας μου μητρός ἀμέτρητά σοι πταίσας καί μέχρι νῦν ἀναισθητῶν πρός σήν μακροθυμίαν, ὁ μυριάκις εἰς βυθόν κατενεχθείς τοῦ ᾅδου κἀκεῖθεν ἀγαθότητι ἀνελκυσθείς σου θείᾳ, ὁ μέλη καί τάς σάρκας μου ψυχῆς καί σώματός τε καταρρυπώσας, ὡς οὐδείς ἄλλος τῶν ἐν τῷ βίῳ, ὁ μανικός τῶν ἡδονῶν ἐραστής ἀναίσχυντος καί πονηρός καί δόλιος τῇ ψυχικῇ κακίᾳ, ὁ μίαν σου ὅλως, Χριστέ, ἐντολήν μή φυλάξας; Τί σοι ἀπολογήσομαι, τί δέ σε καί προσείπω, ποίᾳ ψυχῇ βαστάσω σου ἐλέγχους, ὦ Θεέ μου; Εἰ ἀνομίας τάς ἐμάς καί τάς πράξεις γυμνώσεις, ὦ βασιλεῦ ἀθάνατε, μή δείξῃς πᾶσι ταύτας, ὅτι φρίττω ἐννοῶν ἔργα νεότητός μου, τό δέ εἰπεῖν φρίκης μεστόν, ἀνάπλεων αἰσχύνης. Εἰ γάρ ταῦτα θελήσειας ἐκκαλύψαι τοῖς πᾶσι,