169

You lifted me up, O Christ, you carried me, O merciful one, and you did not allow me to feel any weariness at all, but resting as if in a chariot you granted me to travel lightly along the rough roads, until you restored me to the fold of your sheep, until you united me with your own and numbered me among your servants. I proclaim your mercy, I hymn your compassion, giving thanks I marvel at the richness of your goodness; but having been called back by you, as has been said, my God, and now being, as I think, wholly enslaved, nailed to the light and joined to you, held fast by my longing for you, bound by love, I am at a loss, I am astonished and I do not know: how then does affliction touch my wretched soul, how does grief enter in, how does it disturb my whole being, how does it deprive me of your sweetness, my God, and how does the affliction of earthly things separate me from joy? Why, when I have stumbled so much and sinned, or what have I done to anger you more, my Christ, do you abandon me, O good one, to grieve more greatly than before, when my soul was subject to passions? Speak and teach me now the depth of your judgments, speak and do not loathe me as I speak unworthily, you who long ago ate with sinners and harlots (302) and dined with, Master, the profligate and tax collectors. To these things the Master answered me and said: ‘I, having taken you as an infant from the world, carried you in my arms—surely you know what I am saying. I also swaddled you, all your limbs, and I nourished you with milk beyond food and drink—for the things concerning me are ineffable, utterly uninterpretable—and I gave you to a tutor—you know whom I mean—and as a small child growing hour by hour he served you well, he raised you worthily. You have already become an adolescent, and indeed a youth; and you yourself are not unaware that I am always with you and growing with you and watching over you, until you passed well through all the stages of life. Now then, not an adult, but rather having truly become a man and perfect, already inclining toward old age, how do you wish, like an infant, now to be carried in arms, how do you ask to be swaddled and carried again? How do you ask to be nourished with milk and to be under a tutor? Do you not blush to say these things, tell me? Being a man, serve others and nourish them and practice all things for their growth. Stand against the enemies and when you are struck, strike back. You know the enemies of whom I speak to you, the battle-lines of demons. Taking hold, strike without sparing, when you fall, rise again,

169

ἐπανεβίβασας, Χριστέ, ἐβάστασας, οἰκτίρμον, καί κόπου με οὐκ εἴασας ὅλως ἐπαισθανθῆναι, ἀλλ᾿ ἐπαναπαυόμενον ὡς ἐν ὀχήματί με κούφως ὁδεῦσαι δέδωκας τάς ὁδούς τάς τραχείας, ἕως ἀποκατέστησας μάνδρᾳ τῶν σῶν προβάτων, ἕως συνήνωσας τοῖς σοῖς καί κατέταξας δούλοις. Κηρύττω σου τόν ἔλεον, ὑμνῶ τήν εὐσπλαγχνίαν, εὐχαριστῶν θαυμάζω σου χρηστότητος τόν πλοῦτον˙ ἀνακληθείς δέ παρά σου, ὡς εἴρηται, Θεέ μου, καί νῦν ὑπάρχων, ὡς δοκῶ, ὅλος δεδουλωμένος, προσηλωμένος τῷ φωτί καί σοί κεκολλημένος, κρατούμενος τῷ πόθῳ σου, δεδεμένος ἀγάπῃ, ἐξαπορῶ, ἐκπλήττομαι καί γινώσκειν οὐκ ἔχω˙ πῶς ἄρα θλῖψις ἅπτεται ψυχῆς μου τῆς ἀθλίας, πῶς λύπη ἐπεισέρχεται, πῶς ὅλον με ταράττει, πῶς με τῆς σῆς ἀποστερεῖ γλυκύτητος, Θεέ μου, καί τῆς χαρᾶς χωρίζει με ἡ τῶν γηΐνων θλῖψις; Τί με τοσοῦτον πταίσαντα καί ἐξημαρτηκότα ἤ τί σε παροργίσαντα ἐπί πλεῖον, Χριστέ μου, καταλιμπάνεις, ἀγαθέ, τοῦ λυπεῖσθαι μειζόνως ὑπέρ τό πρῴην, ὅτε ἦν ἐμπαθής ἡ ψυχή μου; Εἰπέ καί δίδαξόν με νῦν κριμάτων σου τό βάθος, εἰπέ καί μή βδελύξῃ με ἀναξίως λαλοῦντα, ὁ πάλαι συνεσιαθείς ἁμαρτωλοῖς καί πόρναις (302) καί συνδειπνήσας, ∆έσποτα, ἀσώτοις καί τελώναις. Πρός ταῦτα ὁ ∆εσπότης μοι ἀπεκρίθη καί εἶπεν˙ Ἐγώ ἀπό τοῦ κόσμου σε ὡς νήπιον βαστάσας ἐν ταῖς ἀγκάλαις ἔφερον - πάντως ὅ λέγω οἶδας . Ἐγώ καί ἐσπαργάνουν σε ὅλον μέλεσι πᾶσι καί γάλακτι ἐξέτρεφον ὑπέρ βρῶσιν καί πόσιν ἄφραστα γάρ τά κατ᾿ ἐμέ, ἀνερμήνευτα πάντῃ , παιδαγωγῷ τε δέδωκα - τίνα ὅν λέγω οἶδας - καί ὡς παιδίον σε μικρόν αὐξάνοντα καθ᾿ ὥραν ἐξυπηρέτησε καλῶς, ἀνέθρεψεν ἀξίως. Πρόσηβος ἤδη γέγονας, καί δή καί νεανίσκος˙ οὐκ ἀγνοεῖς δέ καί αὐτός ἀεί σύν σοί με ὄντα καί συναυξάνοντα ἐν σοί καί περισκέποντά σε, ἕως πάσας διήμειψας καλῶς τάς ἡλικίας. Νῦν οὖν οὐχί ἐνήλικος, ἀνήρ δέ μᾶλλον ὄντως γενόμενος καί τέλειος πρός γῆρας ἤδη κλίνας, πῶς βούλει, ὥσπερ νήπιος, νῦν ἀγκαλοφορεῖσθαι, πῶς αἰτεῖς σπαργανοῦσθαί σε καί βαστάζεσθαι πάλιν; Πῶς γάλακτι ἐκτρέφεσθαι ὑπό παιδαγωγῷ τε εἶναί σε; Οὐκ ἐρυθριᾷς ταῦτα λέγειν, εἰπέ μοι; Ἀνήρ ὑπάρχων ἄλλοις σύ ὑπηρέτει καί τρέφε καί τά πρός αὔξησιν αὐτῶν ἐπιτήδευε πάντα. Πρός τούς ἐχθρούς ἀνθίστασο καί πληττόμενος πλῆττε. Οἶδας ἐχθρούς οὕς λέγω σοι, δαιμόνων παρατάξεις. Λαμβάνων κροῦε ἀφειδῶς, πίπτων πάλιν ἐγείρου,