194

46.

Confession joined to a prayer; and concerning the union of the Holy Spirit and dispassion. (343)

I went far away, O lover of mankind, I dwelt in a desert and was hidden from You, the sweet Master; having come under the night of life's care, from there I suffered many bites and wounds, returning I bear many sores in my soul and I cry out in my pain and the sorrow of my heart: Have mercy, have pity on me the transgressor! O Physician, lover of souls and alone compassionate, who heals for free the sick and the wounded, heal my bruises, my wounds. Let drop Your oil of grace, my God, and anoint my sores, wipe away the ulcers, heal over and bind up my paralyzed members and make all the scars disappear, O Savior, and make me completely whole as before, when there was no defilement in me, when there was no bruise in me, nor an inflamed sore, no stain, O my God, but calm and joy, peace and meekness, and holy humility and long-suffering, the enlightenment of patience and of the most beautiful works; patience and invincible power for all things. (344) From which came great consolation of tears each day, from which exultation in my heart, like a spring gushed forth, flowed unceasingly and was a honey-sweet stream, and a drink of gladness, perpetually turning in the mouth of my mind. From where came all health, from where came purity, from where came the casting off of passions and vain thoughts, from where lightning-formed dispassion was with me and was ever with me - he who reads this, understand me spiritually, lest you be miserably defiled - creating in me an ineffable pleasure of intercourse and an infinite desire for marriage, of divine union, partaking of which I too became dispassionate, set on fire by the pleasure, inflamed by its desire, and I partook of the light, yes, and I became light, superior to every passion, beyond all malice. For passion does not touch the light of dispassion, just as shadow does not touch the sun, nor the darkness of the night. Having become such, and being such, I became slack, O Master, as I trusted in myself, and I was dragged away by care for sensible things, and I the wretched one fell by the anxiety for worldly things,

194

Μστ'.

Ἐξομολόγησις εὐχῇ συνημμένη˙ καί περί συναφείας Πνεύματος Ἁγίου καί ἀπαθείας. (343)

Ἐμάκρυνα, φιλάνθρωπε, ηὐλίσθην ἐν ἐρήμῳ καί ἀπεκρύβην ἀπό σοῦ, τοῦ γλυκέος ∆εσπότου˙ ὑπό τήν νύκτα γεγονώς τῆς τοῦ βίου μερίμνης πολλά ἐκεῖθεν δήγματα καί τραύματα ὑπέστην, πολλάς πληγάς ἐπανελθών φέρω ἐν τῇ ψυχῇ μου καί κράζω ἐν ὀδύνῃ μου καί πόνῳ τῆς καρδίας˙ Ἐλέησον, οἰκτείρησον ἐμέ τόν παραβάτην! Ὦ ἰατρέ φιλόψυχε καί φιλοικτίρμον μόνε, ὁ δωρεάν τούς ἀσθενεῖς καί τετραυματισμένους ἰώμενος, ἰάτρευσον μώλωπας, τραύματά μου. Στάλαξόν σου τό ἔλαιον τῆς χάριτος, Θεέ μου, καί τάς πληγάς μου ἄλειψον, ἐξάλειψον τά ἕλκη, συνούλωσον καί σύσφιγξον τά παραλελυμένα μέλη μου καί ἀφάνισον τάς οὐλάς πάσας, Σῶτερ, καί τέλεον ὑγίωσον ὅλον με ὡς τό πρῴην, ὅτε οὐκ ἦν μοι μολυσμός, ὅτε οὐκ ἦν μοι μώλωψ, οὐδέ πληγή φλεγμαίνουσα, οὐ κηλίς, ὦ Θεέ μου, ἀλλά γαλήνη καί χαρά, εἰρήνη καί πρᾳότης, ἁγία τε ταπείνωσις καί ἡ μακροθυμία, ὑπομονῆς ὁ φωτισμός καί τῶν καλλίστων ἔργων˙ ὑπομονή καί δύναμις ἀήττητος εἰς ἅπαν. (344) Ἐξ οὗ πολλή παράκλησις δακρύων καθ᾿ ἑκάστην, ἐξ οὗ ἡ ἀγαλλίασις ἐν τῇ ἐμῇ καρδίᾳ, ὥσπερ πηγή ἀνέβρυεν, ἔρρεεν ἀενάως καί ῥεῖθρον ἦν μελισταγές, εὐφροσύνης τε πόμα, διηνεκῶς στρεφόμενον ἐν στόματι νοός μου. Ὅθεν ὑγιεία ἅπασα, ὅθεν ἡ καθαρότης, ὅθεν ἡ ῥύψις τῶν παθῶν καί λογισμῶν ματαίων, ὅθεν ἡ ἀστραπήμορφος ἀπάθεια συνῆν μοι καί συνεγίνετο ἀεί - πνευματικῶς μοι νόει ὁ ταῦτα διερχόμενος, μή μολυνθῇς ἀθλίως - ἄφατον ἐμποιοῦσά μοι ἡδονήν συνουσίας καί γάμου πόθον ἄπειρον, ἑνώσεως ἐνθέου, ἐξ ἧς κἀγώ μεταλαβών ἀπαθής ἐγενόμην, ἐκπυρωθείς τῇ ἡδονῇ, φλεχθείς αὐτῆς τῷ πόθῳ καί τοῦ φωτός μετέσχηκα, ναί, καί φῶς ἐγενόμην, πάθους παντός ἀνώτερος, ἐκτός κακίας πάσης. Οὐ γάρ προσψαύει τῷ φωτί τῆς ἀπαθείας πάθος ὡς οὐδ᾿ ἡλίῳ ἡ σκιά ἤ τῆς νυκτός τό σκότος. Τοιοῦτος οὖν γενόμενος, τοιοῦτός τε ὑπάρχων ὑπεχαυνώθην, ∆έσποτα, ὡς ἐμαυτόν θαρρήσας, μερίμνῃ ὑπεσύρην τε τῶν αἰσθητῶν πραγμάτων, φροντίδι τε βιωτικῶν κατέπεσα, ὁ τάλας,