41

tormenting my chastity. And I fled the act of fornication, but I defiled my own virginity in the thought of my heart. And I have heard many words profitable for the soul; yet among none of the teachers did I find virtue worthy of their words. After this, again I heard countless tragic songs clothed in effeminate melodies. Again I have heard a sweetly sounding lyre, the clapping of dancers, the voice of jesters, much folly and buffoonery, the cry of a countless crowd. I saw the tears of the plundered, the pains of those led away by tyranny, the wailing of the tormented. And I saw, and behold, it was not a spiritual festival, but a sea, stirred up by the wind and troubled, hastening to cover all together with its waves. Tell me, O evil thought, and O demon of temporary pleasure and vainglory, what is the benefit to me of seeing and hearing these things, when I am able to help none of the wronged, nor to defend the powerless, nor am I permitted to correct those who are stumbling, but perhaps am I about to destroy myself as well? For just as a little clean water is obliterated by a great squall of wind and dust, so the good things we think we do in life are covered over by the multitude of evils. For the tragedies, like thorns, are fixed in the hearts of those in this life through cheerfulness and joy, so that it might obscure the purity of psalmody. But the wailings and lamentations of wronged men are brought on by their fellow men, so that the endurance of the poor might be shown. 42.5 What then is the benefit to me, or is it clearly a harm to my soul? Therefore, I am migrating to the mountains like a sparrow. For like a sparrow I was rescued from the snare of the hunters. For I am living in this desert, O evil thought, in which the Lord tarried. Here is the oak of Mamre, here is the heaven-bearing ladder and the camps of the angels seen by Jacob, here is the desert in which the people, having been purified, received the law, and thus entering into the promised land, saw God. Here is Mount Carmel on which Elijah, while dwelling there, pleased God. Here is the plain in which Ezra, having withdrawn, uttered all the divinely inspired books by the command of God. Here is the desert in which the blessed John, eating locusts, preached repentance to the people. Here is the Mount of Olives to which Christ, ascending, prayed, teaching us to pray. Here is Christ, the friend of the desert. For He says: “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Here is the narrow and afflicted way that leads to life. Here are teachers and prophets, who wandered in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the earth. Here are apostles and evangelists and the desert-dwelling life of monks. These things, therefore, I have willingly accepted, so that I might receive what has been promised to the martyrs of Christ and to all the other saints, so that I might say without falsehood: “Because of the words of your lips I have kept to hard ways.” For I knew of the God-loving Abraham obeying the voice of God and moving to the desert, and Isaac being oppressed, and Jacob the patriarch living as a stranger, Joseph the chaste being sold, the three youths, inventors of self-control, fighting with fire, Daniel being cast a second time into the den of lions, the bold Jeremiah being condemned to a pit of mire, Isaiah the seer of hidden things being sawn in two, Israel being taken captive, John the rebuker of adultery being beheaded, the martyrs of Christ being slain. And why should I speak at length, when even the Savior Himself was crucified for us, so that by His own death He might give us life and anoint and draw us all to endurance? To Him I hasten, and to the Father and the Holy Spirit. I strive to be found genuine, judging myself unworthy

41

βασανίζον μου τὴν σωφροσύνην. Καὶ τὸ μὲν τῆς πορνείας ἔργον διέφυγον, τὴν δὲ ἐμαυτοῦ παρθε νίαν ἐμόλυνα κατὰ διάνοιαν καρδίας. Καὶ πολλῶν μὲν ἀκήκοα λόγων ψυχωφελῶν· πλὴν παρ' οὐδενὶ τῶν διδασκά λων εὗρον ἀξίαν τῶν λόγων τὴν ἀρετήν. Μετὰ δὲ τοῦτο πάλιν μυρίων ἤκουσα τραγῳδημάτων μέλεσι τεθρυμμέ νοις ἐνδεδυμένων. Πάλιν ἀκήκοα κιθάρας ἡδὺ ἠχούσης, τῶν κρότων τῶν ἁλλομένων, τῆς φωνῆς τῶν γελοια στῶν, μωρίας πολλῆς καὶ εὐτραπελίας, ὄχλου ἀμυθή του βοῆς. Εἶδον τὰ δάκρυα τῶν συληθέντων, τὰς ὀδύνας τῶν ἀπαγομένων ὑπὸ τῆς τυραννίδος, τὴν οἰμωγὴν τῶν βασανιζομένων. Καὶ εἶδον, καὶ ἰδοὺ οὐκ ἦν πανήγυρις πνευματική, ἀλλὰ θάλασσα ἀνεμιζομένη καὶ ταραττομένη πάντας ὁμοῦ τοῖς αὐτῆς κύμασι καλύψαι σπουδάζουσα. Λέγε μοι, ὦ κακὴ ἔννοια, καὶ ὁ τῆς προσκαίρου ἡδυπα θείας τε καὶ κενοδοξίας δαίμων, τί μοι τὸ ὄφελος τῆς τούτων θεωρίας τε καὶ ἀκροάσεως, μηδενὶ τῶν ἀδικουμένων βοηθῆσαι ἰσχύοντι, μήτε δὲ τοῖς ἀδυνάτοις ἐπαμῦναι, μήτε τοὺς σφαλλομένους διορθώσασθαι συγχωρουμένῳ, τάχα δὲ μέλλοντι καὶ ἐμαυτὸν προσαπολλύειν; Ὥσπερ γὰρ ὀλίγον ὕδωρ καθαρὸν ὑπὸ πολλῆς ζάλης ἀνέμου καὶ κονιορτοῦ ἀφανίζεται, οὕτως ἃ νομίζομεν καλὰ ἐν τῷ βίῳ ποιεῖν ὑπὸ τοῦ πλήθους τῶν κακῶν καλύπτεται. Αἱ μὲν γὰρ τραγῳδίαι ὥσπερ σκόλοπες τοῖς κατὰ τὸν βίον δι' εὐθυμίας καὶ χαρᾶς ἐν ταῖς καρδίαις αὐτῶν ἐμπήσσονται, ἵνα τῆς ψαλμῳδίας ἐπισκοτίσῃ τὸ καθαρόν. Αἱ δὲ οἰμωγαὶ καὶ ὁ ὀδυρμὸς τῶν ἀδικουμένων ἀνθρώπων παρὰ τῶν ὁμοφύλων ἐπάγονται, ἵνα δειχθῇ τῶν πενήτων ἡ ὑπομονή. 42.5 Τίς οὖν ὠφέλεια ἐμοὶ ἢ δηλονότι τῆς ψυχῆς ἡ βλάβη; ∆ιὰ τοῦτο οὖν ἐγὼ μεταναστεύω ἐπὶ τὰ ὄρη ὡς στρουθίον. Ὡς στρουθίον γὰρ ἐρρύσθην ἐκ τῆς παγίδος τῶν θηρευ όντων. Καὶ γὰρ ἐν ταύτῃ τῇ ἐρήμῳ διάγω, ὦ κακὴ ἔννοια, ἐν ᾗ ὁ Κύριος διέτριβεν. Ἐνταῦθα ἡ δρῦς ἡ Μαμβρή, ἐνταῦθα ἡ οὐρανοφόρος κλίμαξ καὶ αἱ τῶν ἀγγέλων παρεμβολαὶ αἱ τῷ Ἰακὼβ ὀφθεῖσαι, ἐνταῦθα ἡ ἔρημος ἐν ᾗ ὁ λαὸς ἁγνισθεὶς ἐνομοθετήθη καὶ οὕτως εἰς τὴν γῆν τῆς ἐπαγγελίας εἰσελθὼν εἶδε Θεόν. Ἐνταῦθα τὸ ὄρος τὸ Καρμήλιον ἐν ᾧ Ἠλίας αὐλιζόμενος τῷ Θεῷ εὐηρέστησεν. Ἐνταῦθα τὸ πεδίον ἐν ᾧ ἀναχωρήσας Ἔσδρας πάσας τὰς θεοπνεύστους βίβλους προστάγματι Θεοῦ ἐξηρεύξατο. Ἐνταῦθα ἡ ἔρημος ἐν ᾗ ὁ μακάριος Ἰωάννης ἀκριδοφαγῶν μετάνοιαν τοῖς ἀνθρώποις ἐκήρυξεν. Ἐνταῦθα τὸ ὄρος τῶν ἐλαιῶν εἰς ὃ ὁ Χριστὸς ἀνερχόμενος προσηύχετο ἡμᾶς διδάσκων προσεύχεσθαι. Ἐνταῦθα ὁ Χριστὸς ὁ τῆς ἐρήμου φίλος. Φησὶ γάρ· «Ὅπου εἰσὶ δύο ἢ τρεῖς συνηγμένοι εἰς τὸ ἐμὸν ὄνομα, ἐκεῖ εἰμι ἐν μέσῳ αὐτῶν.» Ἐνταῦθα ἡ στενὴ καὶ τεθλιμμένη ὁδὸς ἡ ἀπάγουσα εἰς τὴν ζωήν. Ἐνταῦθα διδάσκαλοι καὶ προφῆ ται, οἱ ἐν ἐρημίαις πλανώμενοι καὶ ὄρεσι καὶ σπηλαίοις καὶ ταῖς ὀπαῖς τῆς γῆς. Ἐνταῦθα ἀπόστολοι καὶ εὐαγγε λισταὶ καὶ ὁ τῶν μοναχῶν ἐρημοπολίτης βίος. Ταῦτα τοίνυν ἑκουσίως καταδέδεγμαι, ἵνα λάβω ἅπερ τοῖς μάρτυσι τοῦ Χριστοῦ καὶ τοῖς ἄλλοις πᾶσιν ἁγίοις ἐπήγγελται, ἵνα ἀψευδῶς λέγω· «∆ιὰ τοὺς λόγους τῶν χειλέων σου ἐγὼ ἐφύλαξα ὁδοὺς σκληράς.» Ἔγνων γὰρ τὸν μὲν θεοφιλῆ Ἀβραὰμ τῇ τοῦ Θεοῦ φωνῇ πειθόμενον καὶ εἰς τὴν ἔρημον μετοικοῦντα, καὶ Ἰσαὰκ καταδυναστευόμενον, καὶ Ἰακὼβ τὸν πατριάρχην ξενιτεύοντα, Ἰωσὴφ τὸν σώφρονα διαπι πρασκόμενον, τοὺς τῆς ἐγκρατείας εὑρετὰς τρεῖς παῖδας πυρομαχοῦντας, ∆ανιὴλ δεύτερον εἰς λάκκον λεόντων παραβαλλόμενον, τὸν παρρησιαστὴν Ἱερεμίαν εἰς λάκκον βορβόρου καταδικαζόμενον, Ἡσαίαν τὸν τῶν ἀποκρύφων θεατὴν πριζόμενον, τὸν Ἰσραὴλ αἰχμαλωτιζόμενον, Ἰωάννην τὸν τῆς μοιχείας ἔλεγχον ἀποτεμνόμενον, ἀναιρουμέ νους τοὺς Χριστοῦ μάρτυρας. Καὶ ἵνα τί μακρολογῶ, ὅπου γε καὶ αὐτὸς ὁ Σωτὴρ ἐσταυρώθη ὑπὲρ ἡμῶν, ἵνα τῷ ἑαυ τοῦ θανάτῳ ἡμᾶς ζωοποιήσῃ καὶ πάντας ἡμᾶς πρὸς τὴν ὑπομονὴν ἀλείψῃ καὶ ἑλκύσῃ; Πρὸς τοῦτον ἐπείγομαι καὶ πρὸς τὸν Πατέρα καὶ τὸ Πνεῦμα τὸ Ἅγιον. Γνήσιος εὑρε θῆναι ἀγωνίζομαι, ἀνάξιον ἐμαυτὸν κρίνας