86
I marveled at the illuminations for those who struggle, and the abundance of light, and the conversation of God through him with men. And I had, he says, such a desire and love for such a good, that in my thought toward it I forgot all things earthly and heavenly, and not only this but also all food and drink and every kind of bodily repose. But this holy man among saints, being great and adorned with the charismatic gift of foresight, seeing me unhesitatingly fulfilling only the things commanded me by him, and neither eating nor drinking, but being pensive throughout and as if consumed by some poison, possessing immeasurable compassion, (232) commanded me under penance, and though unwilling, I ate; for I feared, he says, the judgment of disobedience. Therefore, as much food as I partook of, the more I was inflamed and could not bear the necessity, so that I would pour out my tears like a river and thus often rise from the table. For I, being insensible, thought that he was hindering my purpose, not knowing what sort of innermost pain I had, and being thus I, wretched one, was ignorant that he knew even the secret thoughts of my heart. For this will be shown through the things that follow.
On one occasion, then, it happened that we entered the city in which he had his dwelling, in order to visit his spiritual children. Having spent the whole day, therefore, among them—for he benefited many merely by appearing—we came in the evening to the cell and as if from much labor and heat we had become quite hungry and thirsty—for he had no habit of partaking of sleep, although it was the summer season and he himself was an old man, having reached about sixty years of age—we sat down to partake of bread, but I did not eat. For I was completely exhausted in body. For I was reasoning that if I partook of food and drink, I would not be able at all to stand in my prayer for the search of the desired one. Thinking these things, he says, I sat as if in a trance.
The saint, therefore, seeing me and considering the labor which I had labored with him, and knowing the cause, as one adorned with the gift of clear-sightedness, as has been said, for which I was enduring these things, was moved to much compassion and says to me under penance: "Eat, child, and drink, and do not be grieved from this present moment. (233) For if God had not willed to have mercy on you, He would not have been pleased for you to come to us." We ate therefore, he says, and drank even more than was necessary; for he too ate, yielding to my weakness. Then, when the table was cleared, he says to me: "Know, child, that God does not rejoice and manifest Himself in fasting, nor in vigils, nor in bodily labor, nor in any other of the right actions, but only in a humble and simple and good soul and heart." When I heard these things, therefore, and marveled at the word and counsel of the saint, and being exceedingly inflamed, and bringing all my sins to my memory in an instant with the sharpness of my mind, I was flooded with tears, and falling at his holy feet and grasping them, I said, "Pray for me, holy one of God, that through you I may find mercy, since of the good things you have spoken, not one belongs to me, but only many sins, which you yourself also know." The saint, therefore, sympathizing with me even more and weeping, then, having ordered me to rise from the ground, says: "I have confidence in God, who has richly bestowed His grace upon me, that He will bestow it twofold upon you as well, for the faith alone which you have both toward Him and toward my lowliness." Therefore, receiving this word as from God Himself, and thinking of what happened from Elijah to Elisha, and believing that, even if I am unworthy, yet God is a lover of mankind, swiftly doing the will of those who fear Him, I made a prostration again and asked for a prayer, and departed to my cell, having received a command from him to say only the Trisagion and go to sleep.
86
ἀγωνιζομένοις ἐλλάμψεις, φωτός τε πλῆθος καί ὁμιλίαν Θεοῦ δι᾿ αὐτοῦ πρός ἀνθρώπους, ἐθαύμαζον. Καί τοσαύτην εἶχον - φησί-τήν ἐπιθυμίαν καί τόν ἔρωτα τοῦ τοιούτου καλοῦ, ὥστε τῇ ἐννοίᾳ τῇ πρός αὐτό πάντων τῶν ἐπιγείων καί ἐπουρανίων ἐπιλανθάνεσθαί με, οὐ μόνον δέ ἀλλά καί πάσης βρώσεώς τε καί πόσεως καί σωματικῆς παντοίας ἀνέσεως. Μέγας δέ ὑπάρχων ὁ ἐν ἁγίοις ἅγιος οὗτος καί τῷ προορατικῷ κεκοσμημένος χαρίσματι, βλέπων με ἀδιστάκτως ἐπιτελοῦντα μόνα τά παρ᾿ αὐτοῦ μοι ἐπιτασσόμενα καί μήτε ἐσθίοντα μήτε πίνοντα, ἀλλά σύννουν ὄντα δι᾿ ὅλου καί ὡς ὑπό τινος ἰοῦ δαπανώμενον, συμπάθειαν κεκτημένος ἀμέτρητον, (232) προσέταττέ μοι μετ᾿ ἐπιτιμίου, καί μή βουλόμενος ἤσθιον· ἐφοβούμην γάρ - φησί-τό κρίμα τῆς παρακοῆς. Ὅσον οὖν τροφῆς μετελάμβανον, πλεῖον ἐφλεγόμην καί τήν ἀνάγκην οὐκ ἔφερον, ὡς καί ποταμηδόν ἐκχέειν με τά δάκρυα καί οὕτω τῆς τραπέζης πολλάκις ἀνίστασθαι. Ἐδόκουν γάρ ὁ ἀναίσθητος ὅτι ἐμποδίζει μου τήν πρόθεσιν, μή εἰδώς οἶον ἔχων πόνον ἐνδότατον, καί οὕτως ἔχων ἠγνόουν ὁ ἄθλιος ὅτι καί τούς λογισμούς ἐγίνωσκε τούς κρυπτούς τῆς καρδίας μου. Τοῦτο γάρ διά τῶν ἑξῆς δηλωθήσεται.
Ἐν μιᾷ οὖν συνέβη ἡμῖν ἐν τῇ πόλει εἰσελθεῖν, ἐν ᾗ καί τήν κατοίκησιν εἶχε, πρός τό τούς πνευματικούς αὐτοῦ ἐπισκέψασθαι παῖδας. ∆ι᾿ ὅλης τοίνυν τῆς ἡμέρας ἐν αὐτοῖς διατρίψαντες - πολλούς γάρ ὠφέλει καί μόνον φαινόμενος , ἑσπέρας ἐλθόντες ἐν τῷ κελλίῳ καί ὥσπερ ἀπό τοῦ πολλοῦ κόπου καί καύματος πρόσπεινοι γεγονότες καί ἔκδιψοι - οὐδαμοῦ γάρ εἶχεν ἔθος ὕπνου μεταλαμβάνειν, καίπερ θερινῆς οὔσης τῆς ὥρας καί αὐτός γέρων ὤν, ὡς περί τά ἑξήκοντα ἐληλακώς ἔτη , καθεσθέντες πρός τό μεταλαβεῖν ἄρτου, ἐγώ οὐκ ἤσθιον. Ἤμην γάρ τῷ σώματι πλήρης κατάκοπος. Ἐλογιζόμην γάρ ὅτι, εἰ μεταλάβω τροφῆς καί πόσεως, οὐ μή δυνηθῶ ἐν τῇ εὐχῇ μου στῆναι τό σύνολον πρός τήν τοῦ ποθουμένου ζήτησιν. Ταῦτα - φησίν ἐννοῶν, ἐκαθεζόμην ὥσπερ ἐξεστηκώς.
Ὁ οὖν ἅγιος ἰδών με καί τόν κόπον ὅν μετ᾿ αὐτοῦ ἐκοπίασα ἀναλογισάμενος καί γνούς τήν αἰτίαν, οἷα δή τῷ διορατικῷ κεκοσμημένος, ὥσπερ εἴρηται, χαρίσματι, δι᾿ ἥν ταῦτα ὑπέμενον, εἰς συμπάθειαν ἐκινήθη πολλήν καί λέγει μοι μετ᾿ ἐπιτιμίου· "Φάγε, τέκνον, καί πίε καί μή λυποῦ ἀπό τοῦ παρόντος. (233) Εἰ γάρ μή ἤθελεν ὁ Θεός ἐλεῆσαί σε, οὐκ ἄν ηὐδόκησεν ἐλθεῖν πρός ἡμᾶς". Ἐφάγομεν οὖν - φησί - καί ἐπίομεν καί ὑπέρ τήν χρείαν· ἤσθιε γάρ τῇ ἐμῇ κἀκεῖνος ἐξακολουθῶν ἀσθενείᾳ. Εἶτα τῆς τραπέζης ἀρθείσης φησί πρός ἐμε· "Γίνωσκε, τέκνον, ὅτι οὔτε νηστείᾳ, οὔτε ἀγρυπνίᾳ, οὔτε κόπῳ σωματικῷ, οὔτε τινί ἑτέρῳ τῶν δεξιῶν πράξεων χαίρει ὁ Θεός καί ἐμφανίζεται, εἰ μή ταπεινῇ τε καί μόνῃ ἀπεριέργῳ καί ἀγαθῇ ψυχῇ καί καρδίᾳ ". Ταῦτα τοιγαροῦν ἀκούσας ἐγώ καί θαυμάσας ἐπί τῷ λόγῳ καί τῇ παραινέσει τοῦ ἁγίου, ἐπί πλεῖστόν τε ἐκκαιόμενος καί τάς ἁμαρτίας μου τῇ τοῦ νοός ὀξύτητι πάσας ἐν ῥιπῇ ἐπί μνήμης μου φέρων, περιελιμναζόμην τοῖς δάκρυσι καί πεσών εἰς τούς πόδας αὐτοῦ τούς ἁγίους καί τούτους κρατήσας· "Εὔχου ὑπέρ ἐμοῦ, ἔφην, ἅγιε τοῦ Θεοῦ, ἵνα διά σοῦ εὕρω ἔλεος, ἐπεί ἐξ ὧν εἶπας ἀγαθῶν, ἐμοί οὐδέ ἕν πρόσεστιν, εἰ μή πολλαί ἁμαρτίαι, ἅς ἐπίστασαι καί αὐτός". Συμπαθήσας οὖν με ἐπί πλεῖον ὁ ἅγιος καί δακρύσας, εἶτα κελεύσας με ἀναστῆναι ἀπό τοῦ ἐδάφους, φησί· "Θαρρῶ τῷ Θεῷ, τῷ τήν χάριν αὐτοῦ πλουσίως μοι δωρησαμένῳ, ὅτι ταύτην καί σοί δισσῶς δωρήσεται ὑπέρ τῆς πίστεως μόνης ἧς ἔχεις καί πρός αὐτόν καί πρός τήν ἐμήν ταπείνωσιν". Τοῦτον τοίνυν τόν λόγον ὡς ἐξ αὐτοῦ δεξάμενος τοῦ Θεοῦ καί τό παρά Ἠλιοῦ πρός Ἐλισαιέ γενόμενον ἐννοήσας καί πιστεύσας ὅτι, εἰ καί ἀνάξιος ἐγώ, ἀλλ᾿ ὁ Θεός φιλάνθρωπος, συντόμως ποιῶν τό θέλημα τῶν φοβουμένων αὐτόν, βαλών καί αὖθις μετάνοιαν καί αἰτήσας εὐχήν, ἀπῆλθον πρός τό κελλίον μου, ἐντολήν λαβών ἐξ αὐτοῦ τοῦ ποιῆσαι μόνον Τρισάγιον καί ὑπνῶσαι.