176

to be carried about and shaken, as the proverb says), but nevertheless I thought it necessary to bear painful things in silence, expecting some correction through their very deeds. For I supposed that those things were said against us not by any malice, but by ignorance of the truth. But since I see the enmity increasing with time, and that they are not repenting of the things spoken from the beginning, nor taking any care how they might make amends for the past, but rather elaborating and being organized towards the goal they set from the beginning, contriving to harm our life and to stain our reputation among the brethren, the safety of silence no longer appears to me. But that of Isaiah came to me, saying: ‘I have been silent; shall I also be silent and forbear forever? I have been patient like a woman in labor.’ May it be that we both receive the reward for silence and receive some power in our refutations, so that, having refuted them, we may dry up this bitter torrent of falsehood that has flowed against us, so that we too might say: ‘Our soul has passed through a torrent,’ and this: ‘If the Lord had not been with us when men rose up against us, then they would have swallowed us up alive, then the water would have overwhelmed us.’ 223.2 I, having wasted much time in vanity, and having nearly exhausted all my youth in the vain labor that I had, pursuing the acquisition of the teachings of the wisdom made foolish by God, when at last, as if rising from a deep sleep, I looked towards the wondrous light of the truth of the Gospel, and I perceived the uselessness of the wisdom of the rulers of this age who are passing away, having greatly wept for my miserable life, I prayed that a guiding hand might be given to me for the introduction to the doctrines of piety. And before all else I was careful to make some correction of my character, which had been perverted for a long time by association with the wicked. And so, having read the Gospel and seeing there the greatest starting point for perfection in the selling of one's possessions and in fellowship with the needy brothers, and in general in having no anxiety for this life and that the soul should not be turned back by any sympathy for the things here, I prayed to find one of the brothers who had chosen this way of life, so that with him I might cross over this deep surge of life. And indeed I found many in Alexandria, and many in the rest of Egypt, and others in Palestine and Coele-Syria and Mesopotamia; whose self-control in diet I admired, and I admired their endurance in labors, I was amazed at their vigor in prayers and how they overcame sleep, being bowed down by no physical necessity, always preserving a high and unsubdued spirit of the soul in hunger and thirst, in cold and nakedness, not turning their attention to the body, nor deigning to waste any care upon it, but as if living in alien flesh they showed by deed what it is to sojourn in the things here and what it is to have one's citizenship in heaven. Admiring those things and deeming blessed the life of those men, because by deed they show that they carry around in the body the dying of Jesus, I myself also prayed, in so far as was possible for me, to be an emulator of those men. 223.3 For this reason, therefore, when I saw some in my own country attempting to emulate their practices, I considered that I had found some help toward my own salvation, and I took the visible things as proof of the unseen. Since, then, the things in the secret heart of each of us are unclear, I considered the humble clothing to be sufficient signs of humility, and the coarse cloak and the belt and the sandals of untanned hide were enough for my full conviction. And though many tried to lead me away from association with them, I would not endure it, seeing them prefer the life of endurance to the life of pleasure, and on account of the difference of their way of life I was zealous for them. Whence not even the things concerning the doctrines

176

περιφέρεσθαι καὶ σαλεύεσθαι ἡ παροιμία φησίν), ἀλλ' ὅμως ᾤμην χρῆναι σιωπῇ φέρειν τὰ λυπηρὰ ἐκδεχόμενός τινα δι' αὐτῶν τῶν ἔργων ἐπανόρθωσιν. Οὐδὲ γὰρ κακίᾳ τινί, ἀλλ' ἀγνοίᾳ τῆς ἀληθείας ἡγούμην ἐκεῖνα καθ' ἡμῶν εἰρῆσθαι. Ἐπειδὴ δὲ ὁρῶ τῷ χρόνῳ συμ προϊοῦσαν τὴν ἔχθραν καὶ μὴ μεταμελομένους ἐπὶ τοῖς ἐξ ἀρχῆς λαληθεῖσι, μηδ' ὅπως τὰ παρελθόντα ἐξιάσαιντο ποιουμένους τινὰ φροντίδα, ἀλλ' ἐπεξεργαζομένους καὶ πρὸς τὸν ἐξ ἀρχῆς σκοπὸν συντεταγμένους ὃν ἐνεστήσαντο, κακῶσαι ἡμῶν τὴν ζωὴν καὶ χρᾶναι τὴν ὑπόληψιν παρὰ τοῖς ἀδελφοῖς μηχανώμενοι, οὐκέτι μοι τὸ τῆς σιωπῆς ἀσφαλὲς καταφαίνεται. Ἀλλ' εἰσῆλθέ με τὸ τοῦ Ἡσαΐου λέγοντος· «Ἐσιώπησα, μὴ καὶ ἀεὶ σιωπήσομαι καὶ ἀνέξομαι; Ἐκαρ- τέρησα ὡς ἡ τίκτουσα». Γένοιτο δὲ καὶ ἡμᾶς καὶ τὸν ἐπὶ τῇ σιωπῇ μισθὸν δέξασθαι καὶ λαβεῖν τινα ἐν τοῖς ἐλεγμοῖς δύναμιν, ὥστε ἐλέγξαντας ἡμᾶς ξηρᾶναι τὸν πικρὸν τοῦτον τῆς καθ' ἡμῶν ῥυείσης ψευδηγορίας χείμαρρον, ὥστε ἂν εἰπεῖν καὶ ἡμᾶς· «Χείμαρρον διῆλθεν ἡ ψυχὴ ἡμῶν», καὶ τό· «Εἰ μὴ Κύριος ἦν ἐν ἡμῖν ἐν τῷ ἐπαναστῆναι ἀνθρώπους ἐφ' ἡμᾶς, ἄρα ζῶντας ἂν κατέπιον ἡμᾶς, ἄρα τὸ ὕδωρ ἂν κατεπόντισεν ἡμᾶς». 223.2 Ἐγὼ πολὺν χρόνον προσαναλώσας τῇ ματαιότητι, καὶ πᾶσαν σχεδὸν τὴν ἐμαυτοῦ νεότητα ἐναφανίσας τῇ ματαιο πονίᾳ ἣν εἶχον προσδιατρίβων τῇ ἀναλήψει τῶν μαθημάτων τῆς παρὰ τοῦ Θεοῦ μωρανθείσης σοφίας, ἐπειδή ποτε, ὥσπερ ἐξ ὕπνου βαθέος διαναστάς, ἀπέβλεψα μὲν πρὸς τὸ θαυμαστὸν φῶς τῆς ἀληθείας τοῦ Εὐαγγελίου, κατεῖδον δὲ τὸ ἄχρηστον τῆς σοφίας τῶν ἀρχόντων τοῦ αἰῶνος τούτου τῶν καταργουμένων, πολλὰ τὴν ἐλεεινήν μου ζωὴν ἀπο κλαύσας ηὐχόμην δοθῆναί μοι χειραγωγίαν πρὸς τὴν εἰσα γωγὴν τῶν δογμάτων τῆς εὐσεβείας. Καὶ πρό γε πάντων ἐπιμελὲς ἦν μοι διόρθωσίν τινα τοῦ ἤθους ποιήσασθαι, πολὺν χρόνον ἐκ τῆς πρὸς τοὺς φαύλους ὁμιλίας διαστραφέντος. Καὶ τοίνυν ἀναγνοὺς τὸ Εὐαγγέλιον καὶ θεασάμενος ἐκεῖ μεγίστην ἀφορμὴν εἰς τελείωσιν τὴν διάπρασιν τῶν ὑπαρ χόντων καὶ τὴν πρὸς τοὺς ἐνδεεῖς τῶν ἀδελφῶν κοινωνίαν, καὶ ὅλως τὸ ἀφροντίστως ἔχειν τοῦ βίου τούτου καὶ ὑπὸ μη δεμιᾶς συμπαθείας πρὸς τὰ ὧδε τὴν ψυχὴν ἐπιστρέφεσθαι, ηὐχόμην εὑρεῖν τινα τῶν ἀδελφῶν ταύτην ἑλόμενον τὴν ὁδὸν τοῦ βίου, ὥστε αὐτῷ συνδιαπεραιωθῆναι τὸν βαθὺν τοῦτον τοῦ βίου κλύδωνα. Καὶ δὴ πολλοὺς μὲν εὗρον κατὰ τὴν Ἀλεξάνδρειαν, πολλοὺς δὲ κατὰ τὴν λοιπὴν Αἴγυπτον καὶ ἐπὶ τῆς Παλαιστίνης ἑτέρους καὶ τῆς κοίλης Συρίας καὶ τῆς Μεσοποταμίας· ὧν ἐθαύμαζον μὲν τὸ περὶ δίαιταν ἐγκρατές, ἐθαύμαζον δὲ τὸ καρτερικὸν ἐν πόνοις, ἐξεπλάγην τὴν ἐν προσευχαῖς εὐτονίαν ὅπως τε ὕπνου κατεκράτουν ὑπ' οὐδε μιᾶς φυσικῆς ἀνάγκης κατακαμπτόμενοι, ὑψηλὸν ἀεὶ καὶ ἀδούλωτον τῆς ψυχῆς τὸ φρόνημα διασώζοντες ἐν λιμῷ καὶ δίψει, ἐν ψύχει καὶ γυμνότητι, μὴ ἐπιστρεφόμενοι πρὸς τὸ σῶμα, μηδὲ καταδεχόμενοι αὐτῷ προσαναλῶσαί τινα φρον τίδα, ἀλλ' ὡς ἐν ἀλλοτρίᾳ τῇ σαρκὶ διάγοντες ἔργῳ ἔδειξαν τί τὸ παροικεῖν τοῖς ὧδε καὶ τί τὸ πολίτευμα ἔχειν ἐν οὐρανῷ. Ἐκεῖνα θαυμάσας καὶ μακαρίσας τῶν ἀνδρῶν τὴν ζωήν, ὅτι ἔργῳ δεικνύουσι τὴν νέκρωσιν τοῦ Ἰησοῦ ἐν τῷ σώματι περιφέροντες, ηὐχόμην καὶ αὐτός, καθόσον ἐμοὶ ἐφικτόν, ζηλωτὴς εἶναι τῶν ἀνδρῶν ἐκείνων. 223.3 Τούτου γοῦν ἕνεκεν θεασάμενός τινας ἐπὶ τῆς πατρί δος ζηλοῦν τὰ ἐκείνων ἐπιχειροῦντας, ἐνόμισά τινα βοή θειαν εὑρηκέναι πρὸς τὴν ἐμαυτοῦ σωτηρίαν, καὶ ἀπόδειξιν ἐποιούμην τῶν ἀφανῶν τὰ ὁρώμενα. Ἐπεὶ οὖν ἄδηλα τὰ ἐν τῷ κρυπτῷ ἑκάστου ἡμῶν, ἡγούμην αὐτάρκη μηνύματα εἶναι τῆς ταπεινοφροσύνης τὸ ταπεινὸν τοῦ ἐνδύματος, καὶ ἤρκει μοι πρὸς πληροφορίαν τὸ παχὺ ἱμάτιον καὶ ἡ ζώνη καὶ τῆς ἀνεψήτου βύρσης τὰ ὑποδήματα. Καὶ πολλῶν ἀπαγόντων με τῆς πρὸς αὐτοὺς συνηθείας, οὐκ ἠνειχόμην ὁρῶν αὐτοὺς τοῦ ἀπολαυστικοῦ βίου τὸν καρτερικὸν προτι μῶντας, καὶ διὰ τὸ παρηλλαγμένον τῆς πολιτείας ζηλοτύ πως εἶχον πρὸς αὐτούς. Ὅθεν οὐδὲ τὰς περὶ τῶν δογμάτων