470

to spend my life, having withdrawn from the vain noises and disturbances of life. And Vatopedi seemed more preferable, and I immediately ordered the monks there, providing the expenses, to build dwellings for me, which are preserved to this day as a clear proof of the truth I profess. The reason I was not left there then to take the monastic habit, but returned again to the emperor and the turmoil of affairs, was neither love of the world, nor indifference to what is good, but the emperor himself being unreasonably attached and considering his own life unlivable if I were separated from him. For when he learned the reason that was bringing me to Athos, and heard of my desire for the philosophical life and for release from turmoil and affairs, he accused me of great unfriendliness, because in seeking what seemed profitable for myself, I was neglecting the common good, and leaving him alone over such a multitude of affairs, I myself wished to withdraw and enjoy the tranquility. He was indignant and called the matter an injustice and a rejection of his friendship. But as I insisted that my concern was for my soul, and deemed nothing more important, and showed that he was rather the one doing wrong if, when I wished to take care of it and to prepare for myself some plausible defense before that terrible judgment seat for the ways in which I have offended God, 3.178 he himself should appear to be hindering me; since he could not persuade me, but saw me holding firmly to my previous reasonings, and having used the empress his wife as an ally, they both, using many words and exhortations, persuaded me for the time being not to act according to my intention. But to tell the truth, I myself was unable to part from the emperor because of our extreme familiarity, although I very much wished to; yet I did not entirely abandon those reasonings, but for then promised to return again, just as they requested. And I returned to them in Thessaloniki after having greeted those holy men, and having arranged for the dwelling that would receive me later to be built in Vatopedi. But I intended, after setting my own affairs in order, to return again and be with the monks there, having chosen the same life as them. But a little later, when the emperor died, since it was not possible to do otherwise, as the whole administration of affairs was left to me, I was held back against my will; and when those slanderers had stirred up war and so suddenly brought the danger of death upon me and my companions, not so much for my own salvation as for that of all, I chose to be emperor of the Romans, and I endured such a swarm of evils, being so savagely warred against for so long. For these reasons Gregoras lies, not in ways that cannot be refuted, but in ways that are most easily refuted of all. 3.179 As for his saying that I, being attached to the party of Palamas, delivered an unjust verdict, and that for this reason he himself was unwilling to be persuaded, on the grounds that I was both judge and an opponent in the trial against those being judged, I will most easily prove him to be lying. For on the contrary, I myself was rather attached from the beginning to Barlaam, who started this dispute. For I had him and his brothers staying in my house, and I deemed them worthy of much care, and I held them among my closest friends, and it was rather in his case that I might be considered to have been biased. For he was always with me and set forth his own arguments most accurately and instructed me continually. Therefore no one can make the excuse that I knew what Palamas believed and affirmed, but was ignorant of the arguments of his opponents. But if the truth must be told, I encountered them first, and after the end of the war, when the entire rule of the Romans was under me, I was so far from being more attached to the others through lack of judgment, that I summoned the patriarch John to trial not once, but many times, as he was about to be examined on these same matters. For he was accused of the same things. and after him, again Akindynos, since he himself was in hiding, sent others and persuaded them to cause a disturbance, as if unjustly by

470

διανύειν, τῶν τοῦ βίου ματαίων ἀποστάντα θορύβων καὶ ταραχῶν. καὶ ἐδόκει τὸ Βατοπεδίου αἱρετώτερον, αὐτίκα τε τοῖς ἐκεῖσε μοναχοῖς ἐκέλευον, ἀναλώματα παρέχων, οἰκήσεις ἐμοὶ ποιεῖν, αἳ καὶ εἰς δεῦρο διασώζονται ἀπόδειξις ἐναργὴς τῆς παρ' ἐμοὶ πρεσβευομένης ἀληθείας. τοῦ δὲ μὴ τότε αἴτιον ἐκεῖ καταλειφθῆναι καὶ σχῆμα μοναχῶν ἀναλαβεῖν, ἀλλ' αὖθις πρὸς βασιλέα καὶ τὸν θόρυβον τῶν πραγμάτων ἐπανήκειν, οὔθ' ἡ φιλοκοσμία ἦν, οὔθ' ἡ ῥᾳθυμία περὶ τὰ καλὰ, ἀλλὰ βασιλεὺς αὐτὸς ἀτόπως ἐξεχόμενος καὶ οὐδὲ βιωτὸν ἡγούμενος αὐτῷ τὸν βίον ἐμοῦ διεστηκότος. ὡς γὰρ ἐπυνθάνετο τὴν αἰτίαν, ἥ με ἄγει πρὸς τὸν Ἄθω, καὶ τῆς ἐν βίῳ φιλοσοφίας ἤκουεν ἐπιθυμίαν καὶ θορύβων καὶ πραγμάτων ἀπαλλαγῆς, πολλὴν ἀφιλίαν κατηγόρει, ὅτι τὰ δοκοῦντα λυσιτελεῖν ζητῶν ἰδίᾳ, τῶν κοινῶν καταμελῶ, καὶ μόνον καταλείπων ἐπὶ τοσοῦτον πραγμάτων ὄχλον, αὐτὸς βούλομαι ἀναχωρεῖν καὶ ἀπολαύειν τῆς γαλήνης. ἠγανάκτει τε καὶ ἀδικίαν τὸ πρᾶγμα ἀπεκάλει καὶ τῆς πρὸς αὐτὸν ἀθέτησιν φιλίας. ἐμοῦ δὲ τὸ περὶ ψυχῆς τὸν λόγον πεποιῆσθαι ἰσχυριζομένου, καὶ μηδὲν ἀξιοῦντος ἡγεῖσθαι προτιμότερον, καὶ μᾶλλον ἐκεῖνον ἀποδεικνύντος ἀδικεῖν, εἰ βουλομένῳ ταύτης πρόνοιαν ποιεῖσθαι καί τινα εὐπρόσωπον ἀπολογίαν ἐπὶ τοῦ φοβεροῦ ἐκείνου βήματος, ἐφ' οἷς προσκέκρουκα θεῷ, πορίζειν ἐμαυτῷ 3.178 αὐτὸς φαίνοιτο κωλύων, ἐπεὶ μὴ πείθειν ἐκεῖνος εἶχεν, ἀλλ' ἰσχυρῶς ἐχόμενον ἑώρα τῶν προτέρων λογισμῶν, καὶ βασιλίδι τῇ γυναικὶ χρησάμενος συμμάχῳ, ἔπεισαν ἄμφω πολλοῖς χρησάμενοι λόγοις καὶ παραινέσεσι, μὴ τὸ νῦν ἔχον πράττειν τὰ κατὰ γνώμην. φίλον δὲ τἀληθὲς, οὐδ' αὐτὸν δυνάμενον διαστῆναι βασιλέως ὑπὸ τῆς ἄκρας συνηθείας, καίτοι μάλιστα βουλόμενον, οὐ μὴν παντάπασι τῶν λογισμῶν ἐκείνων ἀπεσχόμην, ἀλλὰ τότε μὲν αὖθις ἀναστρέφειν ἐπηγγελλόμην, ὥσπερ ἐκεῖνοί γε ἠξίουν. καὶ ἀνέστρεφον εἰς Θεσσαλονίκην πρὸς ἐκείνους μετὰ τὸ τοὺς ἁγίους ἐκείνους προσειπεῖν, καὶ τὴν δεξομένην ἐν ὑστέρῳ οἴκησιν οἰκοδομεῖσθαι ἐν Βατοπεδίῳ παρασκευάσαι. γνώμην δὲ εἶχον, ὡς, εὖ διαθέμενος τὰ κατ' ἐμὲ, αὖθις ἐπανήξων καὶ συνεσόμενος τοῖς ἐκεῖσε μοναχοῖς, τὸν ἴσον βίον ἑλόμενος αὐτοῖς. ὀλίγῳ δὲ ὕστερον τετελευτηκότος βασιλέως, ἐπεὶ πράττειν ἑτέρως οὐκ ἐξῆν, τῆς ὅλης διοικήσεως τῶν πραγμάτων ἐπ' ἐμὲ καταλειφθείσης, καὶ ἄκων κατεσχόμην, τῶν συκοφαντῶν δὲ ἐκείνων τὸν πόλεμον κεκινηκότων καὶ τὸν περὶ τοῦ ζῇν κίνδυνον ἐμοί τε καὶ τοῖς συνοῦσιν οὕτως ἀθρόον ἐπενεγκόντων, οὐ τῆς ἐμαυτοῦ μᾶλλον ἢ τῶν ὅλων σωτηρίας ἕνεκα τὸ βασιλεὺς Ῥωμαίων εἱλόμην εἶναι, καὶ τοσοῦτον ὑπέμεινα κακῶν ἐσμὸν, ἀνημέρως οὕτω πολεμηθεὶς ἐπὶ τοσοῦτον χρόνον. δι' ἃ μάλιστα ψεύδεται Γρηγορᾶς οὐκ ἀνεξέλεγκτα, ἀλλὰ πάντων μάλιστα εὐελεγκτό 3.179 τατα. ὅτι δέ μέ φησι τῇ Παλαμᾶ προσκείμενον μερίδι ἄδικον ψῆφον ἐπενεγκεῖν, καὶ διὰ τοῦτο μηδ' αὐτὸν πείθεσθαι ἐθέλειν, ὡς τὸν αὐτὸν ὄντα καὶ δικαστὴν καὶ ἀντικαθιστάμενον πρὸς τὴν δίκην τοῖς κρινομένοις, εὐχερέστατα ψευδόμενον ἀπελέγξω. τοὐναντίον γὰρ μᾶλλον Βαρλαὰμ, ὃς τῆς τοιαύτης ἦρξε διαφορᾶς, προσεκείμην ἐξαρχῆς αὐτός. αὐτόν τε γὰρ εἶχον ἐπὶ τῆς ἐμῆς οἰκίας διατρίβοντα καὶ τοὺς ἀδελφοὺς, καὶ πολλῆς ἠξίουν τῆς προνοίας, καὶ ἐν τοῖς μάλιστα τῶν φίλων ἦγον, καὶ μᾶλλον ἐπ' ἐκείνου χώραν εἶχε τὸ ἐμὲ προκατειλῆφθαι. ἐκεῖνος γὰρ ἀεὶ συνῆν καὶ τὰ παρ' ἑαυτοῦ ἐξετίθει ἀκριβέστατα καὶ ὑφηγεῖτο συνεχῶς. ὅθεν οὐδ' ἔστι σκήψασθαί τινα, ὡς ἃ μὲν Παλαμᾶς περὶ ὧν πρεσβεύει καὶ διαβεβαιοῦται, ᾔδειν, τὰ τῶν ἀντιλεγόντων δὲ ἠγνόουν. ἀλλ' εἰ δεῖ τἀληθὲς εἰπεῖν, ἐκείνοις μᾶλλον ἐνέτυχον προτέροις, καὶ μετὰ τοῦ πολέμου τὴν κατάλυσιν, ἐπεὶ τῶν Ῥωμαίων ὑπ' ἐμοὶ πᾶσα ἡ ἡγεμονία ἦν, τοσοῦτον ἀπέσχον τοῦ μᾶλλον προσκεῖσθαι τοῖς ἑτέροις ὑπ' ἀκρισίας, ὥστε πατριάρχην τὸν Ἰωάννην οὐχ ἅπαξ, ἀλλὰ καὶ πολλάκις ἐπὶ τὴν δίκην προὐκαλούμην μέλλοντα ἐν τοῖς αὐτοῖς τούτοις ἐξετάζεσθαι. τὰ ἴσα γὰρ ἐνεκαλεῖτο. καὶ μετ' ἐκεῖνον αὖθις τὸν Ἀκίνδυνον, ἐπεὶ κρυπτόμενος αὐτὸς ἑτέρους προσέπεμπε καὶ παρέπειθε θορυβεῖν, ὡς ἀδίκως ὑπὸ