Chapter VI.—He Describes His Infancy, and Lauds the Protection and Eternal Providence of God.

7. Still suffer me to speak before Thy mercy—me, “dust and ashes.”26    Gen. xviii. 27. Suffer me to speak, for, behold, it is Thy mercy I address, and not derisive man. Yet perhaps even Thou deridest me; but when Thou art turned to me Thou wilt have compassion on me.27    Jer. xii. 15. For what do I wish to say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came hither into this—shall I call it dying life or living death? Yet, as I have heard from my parents, from whose substance Thou didst form me,—for I myself cannot remember it,—Thy merciful comforts sustained me. Thus it was that the comforts of a woman’s milk entertained me; for neither my mother nor my nurses filled their own breasts, but Thou by them didst give me the nourishment of infancy according to Thy ordinance and that bounty of Thine which underlieth all things. For Thou didst cause me not to want more than Thou gavest, and those who nourished me willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, by an instinctive affection, were anxious to give me what Thou hadst abundantly supplied. It was, in truth, good for them that my good should come from them, though, indeed, it was not from them, but by them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all my safety.28    Prov. xxi. 31. This is what I have since discovered, as Thou hast declared Thyself to me by the blessings both within me and without me which Thou hast bestowed upon me. For at that time I knew how to suck, to be satisfied when comfortable, and to cry when in pain—nothing beyond.

8. Afterwards I began to laugh,—at first in sleep, then when waking. For this I have heard mentioned of myself, and I believe it (though I cannot remember it), for we see the same in other infants. And now little by little I realized where I was, and wished to tell my wishes to those who might satisfy them, but I could not; for my wants were within me, while they were without, and could not by any faculty of theirs enter into my soul. So I cast about limbs and voice, making the few and feeble signs I could, like, though indeed not much like, unto what I wished; and when I was not satisfied—either not being understood, or because it would have been injurious to me—I grew indignant that my elders were not subject unto me, and that those on whom I had no claim did not wait on me, and avenged myself on them by tears. That infants are such I have been able to learn by watching them; and they, though unknowing, have better shown me that I was such an one than my nurses who knew it.

9. And, behold, my infancy died long ago, and I live. But Thou, O Lord, who ever livest, and in whom nothing dies (since before the world was, and indeed before all that can be called “before,” Thou existest, and art the God and Lord of all Thy creatures; and with Thee fixedly abide the causes of all unstable things, the unchanging sources of all things changeable, and the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal), tell me, Thy suppliant, O God; tell, O merciful One, Thy miserable servant29    “Mercy,” says Binning, “hath but its name from misery, and is no other thing than to lay another’s misery to heart.”—tell me whether my infancy succeeded another age of mine which had at that time perished. Was it that which I passed in my mother’s womb? For of that something has been made known to me, and I have myself seen women with child. And what, O God, my joy, preceded that life? Was I, indeed, anywhere, or anybody? For no one can tell me these things, neither father nor mother, nor the experience of others, nor my own memory. Dost Thou laugh at me for asking such things, and command me to praise and confess Thee for what I know?

10. I give thanks to Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, giving praise to Thee for that my first being and infancy, of which I have no memory; for Thou hast granted to man that from others he should come to conclusions as to himself, and that he should believe many things concerning himself on the authority of feeble women. Even then I had life and being; and as my infancy closed I was already seeking for signs by which my feelings might be made known to others. Whence could such a creature come but from Thee, O Lord? Or shall any man be skilful enough to fashion himself? Or is there any other vein by which being and life runs into us save this, that “Thou, O Lord, hast made us,”30    Ps. c. 3. with whom being and life are one, because Thou Thyself art being and life in the highest? Thou art the highest, “Thou changest not,”31    Mal. iii. 6. neither in Thee doth this present day come to an end, though it doth end in Thee, since in Thee all such things are; for they would have no way of passing away unless Thou sustainedst them. And since “Thy years shall have no end,”32    Ps. cii. 27. Thy years are an ever present day. And how many of ours and our fathers’ days have passed through this Thy day, and received from it their measure and fashion of being, and others yet to come shall so receive and pass away! “But Thou art the same;”33    Ibid. and all the things of to-morrow and the days yet to come, and all of yesterday and the days that are past, Thou wilt do to-day, Thou hast done to-day. What is it to me if any understand not? Let him still rejoice and say, “What is this?”34    Ex. xvi. 15. This is one of the alternative translations put against “it is manna” in the margin of the authorized version. It is the literal significance of the Hebrew, and is so translated in most of the old English versions. Augustin indicates thereby the attitude of faith. Many things we are called on to believe (to use the illustration of Locke) which are above reason, but none that are contrary to reason. We are but as children in relation to God, and may therefore only expect to know “parts of His ways.” Even in the difficulties of Scripture he sees the goodness of God. “God,” he says, “has in Scripture clothed His mysteries with clouds, that man’s love of truth might be inflamed by the difficulty of finding them out. For if they were only such as were readily understood, truth would not be eagerly sought, nor would it give pleasure when found.”—De Ver. Relig. c. 17. Let him rejoice even so, and rather love to discover in failing to discover, than in discovering not to discover Thee.

CAPUT VI. Infantiam suam describit, laudat Dei providentiam et aeternitatem.

7. Sed tamen, sine me loqui apud misericordiam tuam, me terram et cinerem. Sine tamen loqui; quoniam ecce misericordia tua est, non homo irrisor meus, cui loquor. Et tu fortasse irrides me; sed conversus misereberis mei. Quid enim est quod volo dicere, Domine Deus meus, nisi quia nescio unde venerim huc, in istam dico vitam mortalem , an mortem vitalem, 0664 nescio. Et susceperunt me consolationes miserationum tuarum, sicut audivi a parentibus carnis meae, ex quo et in qua formasti me in tempore, non enim ego memini. Exceperunt ergo me consolationes lactis humani. Nec mater mea, vel nutrices meae sibi ubera implebant: sed tu mihi per eas dabas alimentum infantiae, secundum institutionem tuam et divitias usque ad fundum rerum dispositas. Tu etiam mihi dabas nolle amplius quam dabas; et nutrientibus me dare mihi velle quod eis dabas. Dare enim mihi per ordinatum affectum volebant quo ex te abundabant. Nam bonum erat eis bonum meum ex eis; quod non ex eis , sed per eas erat: ex te quippe bona omnia, Deus; et ex Deo meo salus mihi universa. Quod animadverti postmodum, clamante te mihi per haec ipsa quae tribuis intus et foris. Nam tunc sugere noram, et acquiescere delectationibus, flere autem offensiones carnis meae; nihil amplius.

8. Post et ridere coepi, dormiens primo, deinde vigilans. Hoc enim de me mihi indicatum est et credidi, quoniam sic videmus et alios infantes: nam ista mea non memini. Et ecce paulatim sentiebam ubi essem, et voluntates meas volebam ostendere eis per quos implerentur, et non poteram; quia illae intus erant, foris autem illi, nec ullo suo sensu valebant introire in animam meam. Itaque jactabam membra et voces, signa similia voluntatibus meis, pauca quae poteram, qualia poteram: non enim erant veri similia. Et cum mihi non obtemperabatur, vel non intellecto, vel ne obesset, indignabar non subditis majoribus, et liberis non servientibus, et me de illis flendo vindicabam. Tales esse infantes didici quos discere potui, et me talem fuisse magis mihi ipsi indicaverunt nescientes, quam scientes nutritores mei.

9. Et ecce infantia mea olim mortua est, et ego vivo. Tu autem, Domine, qui et semper vivis, et nihil moritur in te, quoniam ante primordia saeculorum, et ante omne quod vel ante dici potest, tu es, et Deus es Dominusque omnium quae creasti: et apud te rerum omnium instabilium stant causae; et rerum omnium mutabilium immutabiles manent origines; et omnium irrationabilium et temporalium sempiternae vivunt rationes. Dic mihi supplici tuo, Deus, et misericors misero tuo; dic mihi utrum jam alicui aetati meae mortuae successerit infantia mea: an illa est quam egi intra viscera matris meae? Nam et de illa mihi nonnihil indicatum est, et praegnantes ipse vidi feminas. Quid ante hanc etiam, dulcedo mea, Deus meus? fuine alicubi, aut aliquis? Nam quis mihi dicat ista, non habeo; nec pater nec mater potuerunt, nec aliorum experimentum, nec memoria mea. An irrides me ista quaerentem, teque de hoc quod novi, laudari a me jubes, et confiteri me tibi ?

10. Confiteor tibi, Domine coeli et terrae, laudem 0665 dicens tibi de primordiis et infantia mea quae non memini; et dedisti ea homini ex aliis de se conjicere, et auctoritatibus etiam muliercularum multa de se credere. Eram enim et vivebam etiam tunc, et signa, quibus sensa mea nota aliis facerem, jam in fine infantiae quaerebam. Unde hoc tale animal nisi abs te, Domine? An quisquam se faciendi erit artifex? aut ulla vena trahitur aliunde, qua esse et vivere currat in nos, praeterquam quod tu facis nos, Domine, cui esse et vivere non aliud atque aliud est; quia summe esse, atque summe vivere idipsum es? Summus enim es, et non mutaris; neque peragitur in te hodiernus dies, et tamen in te peragitur, quia in te sunt et ista omnia: non enim haberent vias transeundi, nisi contineres ea. Et quoniam anni tui non deficiunt , anni tui hodiernus dies: et quam multi jam dies nostri et patrum nostrorum per hodiernum tuum transierunt, et ex illo acceperunt modos, et utcumque exstiterunt, et transibunt adhuc alii, et accipient, et utcumque existent! Tu autem idem ipse es; et omnia crastina atque ultra, omniaque hesterna et retro hodie facies, hodie fecisti. Quid ad me, si quis non intelligat? Gaudeat et ipse, dicens: Quid est hoc? Gaudeat etiam sic; et amet non inveniendo invenire, potius, quam inveniendo non invenire te.