Chapter XIII.—He Delighted in Latin Studies and the Empty Fables of the Poets, But Hated the Elements of Literature and the Greek Language.

20. But what was the cause of my dislike of Greek literature, which I studied from my boyhood, I cannot even now understand. For the Latin I loved exceedingly—not what our first masters, but what the grammarians teach; for those primary lessons of reading, writing, and ciphering, I considered no less of a burden and a punishment than Greek. Yet whence was this unless from the sin and vanity of this life? for I was “but flesh, a wind that passeth away and cometh not again.”46    Ps. lxxviii. 39, and Jas. iv. 14. For those primary lessons were better, assuredly, because more certain; seeing that by their agency I acquired, and still retain, the power of reading what I find written, and writing myself what I will; whilst in the others I was compelled to learn about the wanderings of a certain Æneas, oblivious of my own, and to weep for Biab dead, because she slew herself for love; while at the same time I brooked with dry eyes my wretched self dying far from Thee, in the midst of those things, O God, my life.

21. For what can be more wretched than the wretch who pities not himself shedding tears over the death of Dido for love of Æneas, but shedding no tears over his own death in not loving Thee, O God, light of my heart, and bread of the inner mouth of my soul, and the power that weddest my mind with my innermost thoughts? I did not love Thee, and committed fornication against Thee; and those around me thus sinning cried, “Well done! Well done!” For the friendship of this world is fornication against Thee;47    Jas. iv. 4. and “Well done! Well done!” is cried until one feels ashamed not to be such a man. And for this I shed no tears, though I wept for Dido, who sought death at the sword’s point,48    Æneìd, vi. 457. myself the while seeking the lowest of Thy creatures—having forsaken Thee—earth tending to the earth; and if forbidden to read these things, how grieved would I feel that I was not permitted to read what grieved me. This sort of madness is considered a more honourable and more fruitful learning than that by which I learned to read and write.

22. But now, O my God, cry unto my soul; and let Thy Truth say unto me, “It is not so; it is not so; better much was that first teaching.” For behold, I would rather forget the wanderings of Æneas, and all such things, than how to write and read. But it is true that over the entrance of the grammar school there hangs a vail;49    “The ‘vail’ was an emblem of honour, used in places of worship, and subsequently in courts of law, emperors’ palaces, and even private house. See Du Fresne and Hoffman sub v. That between the vestibule, or proscholium, and the school itself, besides being a mark of dignity, may, as St. Augustin perhaps implies, have been intended to denote the hidden mysteries taught therein, and that the mass of mankind were not fit hearers of truth.”—E. B. P. but this is not so much a sign of the majesty of the mystery, as of a covering for error. Let not them exclaim against me of whom I am no longer in fear, whilst I confess to Thee, my God, that which my soul desires, and acquiesce in reprehending my evil ways, that I may love Thy good ways. Neither let those cry out against me who buy or sell grammar-learning. For if I ask them whether it be true, as the poet says, that Æneas once came to Carthage, the unlearned will reply that they do not know, the learned will deny it to be true. But if I ask with what letters the name Æneas is written, all who have learnt this will answer truly, in accordance with the conventional understanding men have arrived at as to these signs. Again, if I should ask which, if forgotten, would cause the greatest inconvenience in our life, reading and writing, or these poetical fictions, who does not see what every one would answer who had not entirely forgotten himself? I erred, then, when as a boy I preferred those vain studies to those more profitable ones, or rather loved the one and hated the other. “One and one are two, two and two are four,” this was then in truth a hateful song to me; while the wooden horse full of armed men, and the burning of Troy, and the “spectral image” of Creusa50    Æneìd, ii. 772. were a most pleasant spectacle of vanity.

CAPUT XIII. Quibus studiis potissimum sit delectatus.

20. Quid autem erat causae cur graecas litteras oderam, quibus puerulus imbuebar, ne nunc quidem mihi satis exploratum est. Adamaveram enim latinas, non quas primi magistri, sed quas docent qui grammatici vocantur. Nam illas primas ubi legere et scribere et numerare discitur, non minus onerosas poenalesque habebam, quam omnes graecas. Unde tamen et hoc nisi de peccato et vanitate vitae, quia caro eram , et spiritus ambulans et non revertens? (Psal. LXXVII, 39.) Nam utique meliores, quia certiores erant primae illae litterae, quibus fiebat in me, et factum est, et habeo illud ut et legam si quid scriptum invenio, et scribam ipse si quid volo, quam illae quibus tenere cogebar Aeneae nescio cujus errores, oblitus errorum meorum; et plorare Didonem mortuam, quia se occidit ob amorem, cum interea meipsum in his a te morientem, Deus vita mea, siccis oculis ferrem miserrimus.

21. Quid enim miserius misero non miserante seipsum, et flente Didonis mortem, quae fiebat amando Aeneam; non flente autem mortem suam, quae fiebat non amando te, Deus lumen cordis mei, et panis oris intus animae meae, et virtus maritans mentem meam et sinum cogitationis meae? Non te amabam, et fornicabar abs te, et fornicanti sonabat undique, Euge, euge. Amicitia enim mundi hujus, fornicatio est abs te; et Euge, euge dicitur, ut pudeat si non ita homo sit. Et haec non flebam, sed flebam Didonem exstinctam, ferroque extrema secutam (Aeneid. VI, 456), sequens ipse extrema condita tua, relicto te, et terra iens in terram: et si prohiberer ea legere, dolerem, quia non legerem quod dolerem. Talis dementia honestiores et uberiores litterae putantur, quam illae quibus legere et scribere didici.

22. Sed nunc in anima mea clamet, Deus meus, et veritas tua dicat mihi: Non est ita, non est ita; melior est prorsus doctrina illa prior. Nam ecce paratior sum oblivisci errores Aeneae, atque omnia ejusmodi, quam scribere et legere. At enim vela pendent liminibus grammaticarum scholarum: sed non illa magis honorem secreti, quam tegumentum erroris significant. Non clament adversus me, quos jam non timeo, dum 0671 confiteor tibi quae vult anima mea, Deus meus, et acquiesco in reprehensione malarum viarum mearum, ut diligam bonas vias tuas. Non clament adversum me venditores grammaticae vel emptores: quia si proponam eis, interrogans utrum verum sit quod Aeneam aliquando Carthaginem venisse Poeta dicit; indoctiores se nescire respondebunt, doctiores autem etiam negabunt verum esse. At si quaeram quibus litteris scribatur Aeneae nomen, omnes mihi, qui haec didicerunt, verum respondebunt; secundum id pactum et placitum, quo inter se homines ista signa firmarunt. Item, si quaeram quid horum majore vitae hujus incommodo quisque obliviscatur, legere et scribere, an poetica illa figmenta; quis non videat quid responsurus sit, qui non est penitus oblitus sui? Peccabam ergo puer cum illa inania istis utilioribus amore praeponebam, vel potius ista oderam, illa amabam. Jamvero unum et unum duo, duo et duo quatuor, odiosa cantio mihi erat; et dulcissimum spectaculum vanitatis equus ligneus plenus armatis, et Trojae incendium, atque ipsius umbra Creusae (Aeneid. II).