30. These were the customs in the midst of which I, unhappy boy, was cast, and on that arena it was that I was more fearful of perpetrating a barbarism than, having done so, of envying those who had not. These things I declare and confess unto Thee, my God, for which I was applauded by them whom I then thought it my whole duty to please, for I did not perceive the gulf of infamy wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes.64    Ps. xxxi. 22. For in Thine eyes what was more infamous than I was already, displeasing even those like myself, deceiving with innumerable lies both tutor, and masters, and parents, from love of play, a desire to see frivolous spectacles, and a stage-stuck restlessness, to imitate them? Pilferings I committed from my parents’ cellar and table, either enslaved by gluttony, or that I might have something to give to boys who sold me their play, who, though they sold it, liked it as well as I In this play, likewise, I often sought dishonest victories, I myself being conquered by the vain desire of pre-eminence. And what could I so little endure, or, if I detected it, censured I so violently, as the very things I did to others, and, when myself detected I was censured, preferred rather to quarrel than to yield? Is this the innocence of childhood? Nay, Lord, nay, Lord; I entreat Thy mercy, O my God. For these same sins, as we grow older, are transferred from governors and masters, from nuts, and balls, and sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold, and lands, and slaves, just as the rod is succeeded by more severe chastisements. It was, then, the stature of childhood that Thou, O our King, didst approve of as an emblem of humility when Thou saidst: “Of such is the kingdom of heaven.”65    Matt. xix. 14. See i. sec. 11, note 3, above.

CAPUT XIX. Pueritiae vitia quae in majores aetates transeunt.

30. Horum ego puer morum in limine jacebam miser, et hujus arenae palaestra erat illa, ubi magis timebam barbarismum facere, quam cavebam si facerem, non facientibus invidere. Dico haec et confiteor tibi, Deus meus, in quibus laudabar ab eis, quibus placere tunc mihi erat honeste vivere. Non enim videbam voraginem turpitudinis in quam projectus eram ab oculis tuis. Nam in illis jam quid me foedius fuit, ubi etiam talibus displicebam, fallendo innumerabilibus mendaciis et paedagogum, et magistros, et parentes amore ludendi, studio spectandi nugatoria, et imitandi ludicra inquietudine? Furta etiam faciebam de cellario parentum et de mensa, vel gula imperitante, vel ut haberem quod darem pueris, ludum suum mihi, quo pariter utique delectabantur, tamen vendentibus. In quo etiam ludo fraudulentas victorias, ipse vana excellentiae cupiditate victus, saepe aucupabar. Quid autem tam nolebam pati, atque atrociter, si deprehenderem, arguebam, quam id quod aliis faciebam, et si deprehensus arguerer, saevire magis quam cedere libebat? Istane est innocentia puerilis? Non est, Domine, non est: oro te, Deus meus. Nam haec ipsa sunt quae a paedagogis et magistris, a nucibus, et pilulis, et passeribus, ad praefectos et reges, aurum, praedia, mancipia; haec ipsa omnino quae succedentibus majoribus aetatibus transeunt, sicuti ferulis majora supplicia succedunt. Humilitatis ergo signum in statura pueritiae, Rex noster, probasti, cum aisti: Talium est regnum coelorum (Matth. XIX, 14).