Augustine of Hippo, The Confessions

12. What was it, then, that I, miserable one, so doted on in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Beautiful thou wert not, since thou wert theft. But art thou anything, that so I may argue the case with thee? Those pears that we stole were fair to the sight, because they were Thy creation, Thou fairest85 Ps. xlv. 2. of all, Creator of all, Thou good God—God, the highest good, and my true good. Those pears truly were pleasant to the sight; but it was not for them that my miserable soul lusted, for I had abundance of better, but those I plucked simply that I might steal. For, having plucked them, I threw them away, my sole gratification in them being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy. For if any of these pears entered my mouth, the sweetener of it was my sin in eating it. And now, O Lord my God, I ask what it was in that theft of mine that caused me such delight; and behold it hath no beauty in it—not such, I mean, as exists in justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind, memory, senses, and animal life of man; nor yet such as is the glory and beauty of the stars in their courses; or the earth, or the sea, teeming with incipient life, to replace, as it is born, that which decayeth; nor, indeed, that false and shadowy beauty which pertaineth to deceptive vices.

13. For thus doth pride imitate high estate, whereas Thou alone art God, high above all. And what does ambition seek but honours and renown, whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and renowned for evermore? The cruelty of the powerful wishes to be feared; but who is to be feared but God only,86 Ps. lxxvi. 7. out of whose power what can be forced away or withdrawn—when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The enticements of the wanton would fain be deemed love; and yet is naught more enticing than Thy charity, nor is aught loved more healthfully than that, Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity affects a desire for knowledge, whereas it is Thou who supremely knowest all things. Yea, ignorance and foolishness themselves are concealed under the names of ingenuousness and harmlessness, because nothing can be found more ingenuous than Thou; and what is more harmless, since it is a sinner’s own works by which he is harmed?87 Ps. vii. 15. And sloth seems to long for rest; but what sure rest is there besides the Lord? Luxury would fain be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art the fulness and unfailing plenteousness of unfading joys. Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality; but Thou art the most lavish giver of all good. Covetousness desires to possess much; and Thou art the Possessor of all things. Envy contends for excellence; but what so excellent as Thou? Anger seeks revenge; who avenges more justly than Thou? Fear starts at unwonted and sudden chances which threaten things beloved, and is wary for their security; but what can happen that is unwonted or sudden to Thee? or who can deprive Thee of what Thou lovest? or where is there unshaken security save with Thee? Grief languishes for things lost in which desire had delighted itself, even because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing can be from Thee.

14. Thus doth the soul commit fornication when she turns away from Thee, and seeks without Thee what she cannot find pure and untainted until she returns to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee who separate themselves far from Thee88 Ps. vii. 15. and raise themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee they acknowledge Thee to be the Creator of all nature, and so that there is no place whither they can altogether retire from Thee.89 Ps. cxxxix. 7, 8. What, then, was it that I loved in that theft? And wherein did I, even corruptedly and pervertedly, imitate my Lord? Did I wish, if only by artifice, to act contrary to Thy law, because by power I could not, so that, being a captive, I might imitate an imperfect liberty by doing with impunity things which I was not allowed to do, in obscured likeness of Thy omnipotency?90 “For even souls, in their very sins, strive after nothing else but some kind of likeness of God, in a proud and preposterous, and, so to say, slavish liberty. So neither could our first parents have been persuaded to sin unless it had been said, ‘Ye shall be as gods.’”—Aug. De Trin. xi. 5. Behold this servant of Thine, fleeing from his Lord, and following a shadow!91 Jonah i. and iv. O rottenness! O monstrosity of life and profundity of death! Could I like that which was unlawful only because it was unlawful?

CAPUT VI. Omnia quae boni specie ad vitia invitant, in solo Deo esse vera et perfecta.

12. Quid ego miser in te amavi, o furtum meum, o facinus illud meum nocturnum sexti decimi anni aetatis meae? Non enim pulchrum eras, cum furtum esses; aut vero aliquid es, ut loquar ad te? Pulchra erant poma illa quae furati sumus, quoniam creatura tua erat , pulcherrime omnium, creator omnium, Deus bone, Deus summum bonum, et bonum verum meum: pulchra erant illa poma; sed non ipsa concupivit anima mea miserabilis. Erat enim mihi meliorum copia; illa autem decerpsi tantum ut furarer. Nam decerpta projeci, epulatus inde solam iniquitatem , qua laetabar fruens . Nam et si quid illorum pomorum intravit in os meum, condimentum ibi facinus erat. Et nunc, Domine Deus meus, quaero quid me in furto delectaverit, et ecce species nulla est: non dico sicut in aequitate atque prudentia; sed neque sicut in mente hominis atque memoria et sensibus et vegetante vita; neque sicut speciosa sunt sidera et decora locis suis et terra et mare plena fetibus, qui succedunt nascendo decedentibus; non saltem ut est quaedam defectiva species et umbratica vitiis fallentibus.

13. Nam et superbia celsitudinem imitatur; cum tu sis unus super omnia Deus excelsus. Et ambitio quid nisi honores quaerit et gloriam; cum tu sis prae cunctis honorandus unus et gloriosus in aeternum? Et saevitia potestatum timeri vult: quis autem timendus, nisi unus Deus? Cujus potestati eripi aut subtrahi quid potest ? quando, aut ubi, aut quo, vel a quo potest? Et blanditiae lascivientium amari volunt; sed neque blandius est aliquid tua charitate, nec amatur quidquam salubrius, quam illa prae cunctis formosa et luminosa veritas tua. Et curiositas affectare videtur studium scientiae; cum tu omnia summe noveris. Ignorantia quoque ipsa atque stultitia, simplicitatis et innocentiae nomine tegitur; quia te simplicius quidquam non reperitur. Quid te autem innocentius, quandoquidem opera sua malis inimica sunt? Et ignavia quasi quietem appetit: quae vero quies certa praeter Dominum? Luxuria satietatem atque abundantiam se cupit vocari: tu autem es plenitudo et indeficiens copia incorruptibilis suavitatis. Effusio liberalitatis obtendit umbram: sed bonorum omnium largitor 0681 affluentissimus tu es. Avaritia multa possidere vult; et tu possides omnia. Invidentia de excellentia litigat: quid te excellentius? Ira vindictam quaerit: te justius quis vindicat? Timor insolita et repentina exhorrescit, rebus quae amantur adversantia, dum praecavet securitati: tibi enim quid insolitum? quid repentinum? aut quis a te separat quod diligis? aut ubi, nisi apud te, firma securitas? Tristitia rebus amissis contabescit, quibus se oblectabat cupiditas; quia ita sibi nollet, sicut tibi auferri nihil potest.

14. Ita fornicatur anima, cum avertitur abs te, et quaerit extra te ea quae pura et liquida non invenit, nisi cum redit ad te. Perverse te imitantur omnes qui longe se a te faciunt, et extollunt se adversum te. Sed etiam sic te imitando indicant creatorem te esse omnis naturae; et ideo non esse quo a te omni modo recedatur. Quid ergo in illo furto ego dilexi? et in quo Dominum meum vel vitiose atque perverse imitatus sum? An libuit facere contra legem saltem fallacia, quia potentatu non poteram, ut mancam libertatem captivus imitarer faciendo impune quod non liceret, tenebrosa omnipotentiae similitudine? Ecce est ille servus fugiens Dominum suum et consecutus umbram. O putredo, o monstrum vitae, et mortis profunditas! Potuitne libere quod non licebat, non ob aliud, nisi quia non licebat?