Chapter I.—Concerning that Most Unhappy Time in Which He, Being Deceived, Deceived Others; And Concerning the Mockers of His Confession.

1. During this space of nine years, then, from my nineteenth to my eight and twentieth year, we went on seduced and seducing, deceived and deceiving, in divers lusts; publicly, by sciences which they style “liberal”—secretly, with a falsity called religion. Here proud, there superstitious, everywhere vain! Here, striving after the emptiness of popular fame, even to theatrical applauses, and poetic contests, and strifes for grassy garlands, and the follies of shows and the intemperance of desire. There, seeking to be purged from these our corruptions by carrying food to those who were called “elect” and “holy,” out of which, in the laboratory of their stomachs, they should make for us angels and gods, by whom we might be delivered.146    Augustin tells us that he went not beyond the rank of a “hearer,” because he found the Manichæan teachers readier in refuting others than in establishing their own views, and seems only to have looked for some esoteric doctrine to have been disclosed to him under their materialistic teaching as to God—viz. that He was an unmeasured Light that extended all ways but one, infinitely (Serm. iv. sec 5.)—rather than to have really accepted it.—De Util. Cred. Præf. See also iii. sec. 18, notes 1 and 2, above. These things did I follow eagerly, and practise with my friends—by me and with me deceived. Let the arrogant, and such as have not been yet savingly cast down and stricken by Thee, O my God, laugh at me; but notwithstanding I would confess to Thee mine own shame in Thy praise. Bear with me, I beseech Thee, and give me grace to retrace in my present remembrance the circlings of my past errors, and to “offer to Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving.”147    Ps. cxvi. 17. For what am I to myself without Thee, but a guide to mine own downfall? Or what am I even at the best, but one sucking Thy milk,148    1 Pet. ii. 2. and feeding upon Thee, the meat that perisheth not?149    John vi. 27. But what kind of man is any man, seeing that he is but a man? Let, then, the strong and the mighty laugh at us, but let us who are “poor and needy”150    Ps. lxxiv. 21. confess unto Thee.

CAPUT PRIMUM. Quamdiu et quomodo alios seduxerit.

1. Per idem tempus annorum novem, ab undevigesimo anno aetatis meae, usque ad duodetrigesimum, seducebamur et seducebamus, falsi atque fallentes in variis cupiditatibus; et palam per doctrinas quas liberales vocant, occulte autem falso nomine religionis. Hic superbi, ibi superstitiosi, ubique vani. Hac popularis gloriae sectantes inanitatem, usque ad theatricos plausus, et contentiosa carmina , et agonem coronarum fenearum et spectaculorum nugas, et intemperantiam libidinum: illac autem purgari nos ab istis sordibus expetentes, cum eis qui appellarentur electi et sancti, afferremus escas, de quibus nobis in officina aqualiculi sui fabricarent angelos et deos per quos liberaremur; et sectabar ista atque faciebam cum amicis meis, per me ac mecum deceptis. Irrideant me arrogantes, et nondum salubriter prostrati et elisi a te, Deus meus; ego tamen confitear tibi dedecora mea in laude tua. Sine me, obsecro, et da mihi circumire praesenti memoria praeteritos circuitus erroris mei, et immolare tibi hostiam jubilationis. Quid enim sum ego mihi sine te, nisi dux in praeceps? Aut quid sum cum mihi bene est, nisi sugens lac tuum; aut fruens te cibo qui non corrumpitur? Et quis homo est quilibet homo, cum sit homo? Sed irrideant nos fortes et potentes, nos autem infirmi et inopes confiteamur tibi.