Chapter VIII.—He Sets Out for Rome, His Mother in Vain Lamenting It.

14. Thou dealedst with me, therefore, that I should be persuaded to go to Rome, and teach there rather what I was then teaching at Carthage. And how I was persuaded to do this, I will not fail to confess unto Thee; for in this also the profoundest workings of Thy wisdom, and Thy ever present mercy to usward, must be pondered and avowed. It was not my desire to go to Rome because greater advantages and dignities were guaranteed me by the friends who persuaded me into this,—although even at this period I was influenced by these considerations,—but my principal and almost sole motive was, that I had been informed that the youths studied more quietly there, and were kept under by the control of more rigid discipline, so that they did not capriciously and impudently rush into the school of a master not their own, into whose presence they were forbidden to enter unless with his consent. At Carthage, on the contrary, there was amongst the scholars a shameful and intemperate license. They burst in rudely, and, with almost furious gesticulations, interrupt the system which any one may have instituted for the good of his pupils. Many outrages they perpetrate with astounding phlegm, which would be punishable by law were they not sustained by custom; that custom showing them to be the more worthless, in that they now do, as according to law, what by Thy unchangeable law will never be lawful. And they fancy they do it with impunity, whereas the very blindness whereby they do it is their punishment, and they suffer far greater things than they do. The manners, then, which as a student I would not adopt,275    See iii. sec. 6, note, above. I was compelled as a teacher to submit to from others; and so I was too glad to go where all who knew anything about it assured me that similar things were not done. But Thou, “my refuge and my portion in the land of the living,”276    Ps. cxlii. 5. didst while at Carthage goad me, so that I might thereby be withdrawn from it, and exchange my worldly habitation for the preservation of my soul; whilst at Rome Thou didst offer me enticements by which to attract me there, by men enchanted with this dying life,—the one doing insane actions, and the other making assurances of vain things; and, in order to correct my footsteps, didst secretly employ their and my perversity. For both they who disturbed my tranquillity were blinded by a shameful madness, and they who allured me elsewhere smacked of the earth. And I, who hated real misery here, sought fictitious happiness there.

15. But the cause of my going thence and going thither, Thou, O God, knewest, yet revealedst it not, either to me or to my mother, who grievously lamented my journey, and went with me as far as the sea. But I deceived her, when she violently restrained me either that she might retain me or accompany me, and I pretended that I had a friend whom I could not quit until he had a favourable wind to set sail. And I lied to my mother—and such a mother!—and got away. For this also Thou hast in mercy pardoned me, saving me, thus replete with abominable pollutions, from the waters of the sea, for the water of Thy grace, whereby, when I was purified, the fountains of my mother’s eyes should be dried, from which for me she day by day watered the ground under her face. And yet, refusing to go back without me, it was with difficulty I persuaded her to remain that night in a place quite close to our ship, where there was an oratory277    See vi. sec. 2, note, below. in memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I secretly left, but she was not backward in prayers and weeping. And what was it, O Lord, that she, with such an abundance of tears, was asking of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not permit me to sail? But Thou, mysteriously counselling and hearing the real purpose of her desire, granted not what she then asked, in order to make me what she was ever asking. The wind blew and filled our sails, and withdrew the shore from our sight; and she, wild with grief, was there on the morrow, and filled Thine ears with complaints and groans, which Thou didst disregard; whilst, by the means of my longings, Thou wert hastening me on to the cessation of all longing, and the gross part of her love to me was whipped out by the just lash of sorrow. But, like all mothers,—though even more than others,—she loved to have me with her, and knew not what joy Thou wert preparing for her by my absence. Being ignorant of this, she did weep and mourn, and in her agony was seen the inheritance of Eve,—seeking in sorrow what in sorrow she had brought forth. And yet, after accusing my perfidy and cruelty, she again continued her intercessions for me with Thee, returned to her accustomed place, and I to Rome.

CAPUT VIII. Proficiscitur Romam contra matris voluntatem.

14. Egisti ergo mecum ut mihi persuaderetur Romam pergere, et potius ibi docere quod docebam Carthagine. Et hoc unde mihi persuasum est , non praeteribo confiteri tibi; quoniam et in his altissimi tui recessus, et praesentissima in nos misericordia tua cogitanda et praedicanda est. Non ideo Romam pergere volui, quod majores quaestus, majorque mihi dignitas ab amicis, qui hoc suadebant, promittebatur; quanquam et ista ducebant animum tunc meum: sed illa erat causa maxima et pene sola, quod audiebam quietius ibi studere adolescentes, et ordinatiore disciplinae coercitione sedari, ne in ejus scholam quo magistro non utuntur, passim et proterve irruant; nec eos admitti omnino, nisi ille permiserit. Contra, apud Carthaginem foeda est et intemperans licentia scholasticorum. Irrumpunt impudenter, et prope furiosa fronte perturbant ordinem, quem quisque discipulis ad proficiendum instituerit. Multa injuriosa faciunt mira hebetudine, et punienda legibus, nisi consuetudo patrona sit; hoc miseriores eos ostendens, quo jam quasi liceat, faciunt quod per tuam aeternam legem nunquam licebit; et impune se facere arbitrantur, cum ipsa faciendi caecitate puniantur, et incomparabiliter patiantur pejora, quam faciunt. Ergo quos mores, cum studerem meos esse nolui ; eos, cum docerem, cogebar perpeti alienos: et ideo placebat ire ubi talia non fieri, omnes qui noverant, indicabant. Verum autem tu, spes mea et portio mea in terra viventium (Psal. CXLI, 6), ad mutandum terrarum locum pro salute animae meae, et Carthagini stimulos quibus inde avellerer, admovebas, et Romae illecebras quibus attraherer, proponebas mihi per homines qui diligunt vitam mortuam, hinc insana facientes, inde vana pollicentes; et ad corrigendos gressus meos utebaris occulte et illorum et mea perversitate. Nam et qui perturbabant otium meum, foeda rabie caeci erant; et qui invitabant ad aliud, terram sapiebant. Ego autem qui detestabar hic veram miseriam, illic falsam felicitatem appetebam.

15. Sed quare hinc abirem, et illuc irem, tu sciebas, Deus; nec indicabas mihi nec matri, quae me profectum atrociter planxit, et usque ad mare secuta est. Sed fefelli eam violenter me tenentem, ut aut revocaret, aut mecum pergeret; et finxi me amicum nolle deserere, donec vento facto navigaret. Et mentitus sum matri, et illi matri, et evasi: quia et hoc tu dimisisti mihi misericorditer, servans me ab aquis maris, plenum exsecrandis sordibus, usque ad aquam gratiae tuae, qua me abluto siccarentur flumina maternorum 0713 oculorum, quibus pro me quotidie tibi rigabat terram sub vultu suo. Et tamen recusanti sine me redire, vix persuasi ut in loco, qui proximus nostrae navi erat, memoria beati Cypriani, maneret ea nocte. Sed ea nocte clanculo ego profectus sum: illa autem remansit orando et flendo. Et quid a te petebat, Deus meus, tantis lacrymis, nisi ut navigare me non sineres? Sed tu alte consulens, et exaudiens cardinem desiderii ejus, non curasti quod tunc petebat, ut in me faceres quod semper petebat. Flavit ventus, et implevit vela nostra, et littus subtraxit aspectibus nostris: in quo mane illa insaniebat dolore, et querelis, ac gemitu implebat aures tuas contemnentis ista ; cum et me cupiditatibus meis raperes ad finiendas ipsas cupiditates, et illius carnale desiderium justo dolorum flagello vapularet. Amabat enim secum praesentiam meam more matrum, sed multis multo amplius; et nesciebat quid tu illi gaudiorum facturus esses de absentia mea. Nesciebat, ideo flebat et ejulabat, atque illis cruciatibus arguebatur in ea reliquiarium Evae , cum gemitu quaerens quod cum gemitu pepererat. Et tamen post accusationem fallaciarum et crudelitatis meae, conversa rursus ad deprecandum te pro me, abiit ad solita, et ego Romam.